Sold my soul and morals out to watch an infamous youtuber have his third wrestling match. In many ways it wasn’t worth it, viewing such a thing feels like a co-sign on a lot of dodgy shit, specifically pertaining to the Saudi prince, but my understanding is at least that I’m not contributing to this horrific deal that hands over the WWE, just… observing it. Match by match reviews follow, rated on a five star scale. No half stars, no decimal points, that's the coward’s way.
Oh and as it wasn’t a match, loved Bray’s promo. Wish I could hear half of what Uncle Howdy said.
Match 1: Bobby Lashley vs Brock Lesnar One of the two matches I explicitly tuned in for. Unfortunately the two being the opener and main event meant I couldn’t just check out in between. But yes, I had to watch it. I love Bobby Lashley, a formerly mediocre big man who went to Impact, became a top performer there, and returned to WWE and kept that energy going. He’s my fave WWE guy right now, a smooth-skinned adonis who can pop you like a grape. Enters a good dominant performance, a strong opening salvo before the bell showing how much he needs to beat Brock, and how to beat Brock you have to be a bit of a shit, even if that ultimately fails here due to a bit of turnbuckle kicking to fall back into a pin. Makes Lashley look a bit of a mug, but puts over the hurt locker huge! Brock couldn’t deal! Long may the feud continue. A solid three stars, mostly for the hurt locker and Brock’s suplexes, and hurt a little for some just okay spears. Rating: ***
Match 2: Asuka/Alexa Bliss (champs) vs Damage CTRL (Iyo Sky/Dakota Kai) This match was for the women’s tag team championship. It sounds like, from the promotional packages, that the women’s tag belts have had a bit of a funny time since the tournament tried to raise their prominence. The roster can scarcely support them, but they DO feel more important for having had an actual tag team with a name hold them, lose them to a pairing that, while kind of flavourless, are two of the most notable women’s champs on the roster, and then lose them back again. Feels competitive, especially with a handful of long reigns with other belts making hot potato-ing the tag belts kind of novel. The match was decent. Asuka is one of the best women in WWE, maybe only second to Bianca Bel Air, and Iyo Sky is always thrilling to watch. The other two did good work. But I just don’t know what to make of ropey put-together tag champs. Hopefully Damage CTRL winning them back now leads to something more, against stronger pairings. Two stars, just because I didn’t feel much. Rating: **
Match 3: Drew McIntyre vs Karrion Kross (w/Scarlett) This match was a cage match. I told my wife as this match started that I hate WWE cage matches. Escaping the cage is a terrible win condition, outside of a weaselly heel getting out of receiving their comeuppance in the middle bout of a multi-match feud. So naturally the face Drew wins by escaping, but escaping FASTER than the vicious heel Kross. After their Extreme Rules strap match this felt kind of stupid as a next step. But then Kross is great (with hair. Hated him before he remembered he could grow it. No idea why), McIntyre is a favourite, Scarlett is like a leather Dolly Parton in this, so… I didn’t hate it? But I’m opposed to the format, so one star. Rating: *
Match 4: The OC (AJ Styles/Karl Anderson/Doc Gallows) vs Judgement Day (Finn Balor/Damian Priest/Dominik Mysterio) (w/ Rhea Ripley) I fell asleep watching this. It was only mid-afternoon, but I was in front of a fire and was getting over a bad allergic reaction to a couple of dogs. I was knackered. Woke up in time to see Rhea interfere, agreed with my wife about how hot Rhea is, and that’s about it. It feels like a mean dunk on the Good Brothers (Anderson and Gallows), who get this sort of shit regularly from people who don’t like them, but to be fair if they were more exciting and less bald I might have fought harder to stay awake. I can’t rate this, that’d be unfair. Rating: N/A
Match 5: Braun Strowman vs Omos Big men! Having a match! Making little impact on me while doing so! Omos is finding a groove, which is a significant development for a guy who was NOT ready to hit the main roster, and Braun is way more appealing now than he was before his release, but the whole thing lacked a hook to make me care enough. One star, you gotta make me care who wins. Rating: *
Match 6: The Usos (Jimmy/Jey) (champs) vs The Brawling Brutes (Ridge Holland/Butch) This tag team match was for the undisputed tag team championships. The Usos are a great tag team. They’re no MCMG, but who is. I can see why people argue who’s the best tag team ever between these guys and the Young Bucks (the answer, of course is the MCMG. Pay attention.). Ridge Holland and Butch (the former Pete Dunne) are two good singles wrestlers who make for a surprisingly cohesive tag unit, the sort of surprise that redefines careers. I feel we’re at a bit of a dead end for who takes the tag belts off of The Usos, and these guys could do it. But not here at Crown flipping Jewel, so a banger match that could be run back again some day is fine by me. A solid three stars, just because I see a high ceiling for these four together. Rating: ***
Match 7: Bianca Belair (champ) vs Bayley This was a last woman standing match for the Raw Women’s Championship. Bianca Belair is the best female wrestler in WWE, and honestly in the top three in the world right now. Bayley is one of the biggest deals in the company, and as such can make Bianca in a match like this, and does. Bayley takes some hellish punishment, while giving an imposing character or Bianca to overcome, highlights are definitely in that painful table spot and the finish, but in general everything from when Bayley escapes up the ramp is gold on top of the finest silver that came before it. Last person standing matches need clever finishes now and then to keep them from being stale slugfests, and this was that and then some. Rating: ****
Match 8: Roman Reigns (champ) (w/ Paul Heyman) vs Logan Paul This was for the undisputed WWE Universal Championship. I wish I hated Logan Paul more. I really should, for many valid reasons. But by God can this man fucking wrestle. It helps that he’s had three matches against amazing opponents, but he clearly takes this stuff seriously and learns his stuff, and ACTUALLY LANDS IT WELL. The story here of Roman underestimating him and Logan needing one lucky shot to win was oversold but delivered upon well, with Roman doing everything he can to make a star here, and succeeding. Logan gets to get so much cool shit in simply because Roman isn’t ready for him, and Roman gives him a bunch of 2.9 counts as a reward. Logan’s frog splash? Rules. Selfie crossbody? Rules. Buckshot lariat? Amazing sense of momentum, should be a finisher from this dude. And he sells well! A few too many one counts, but he takes his lumps well! Interference just kinda exists because fans expected it, but Jake Paul’s awkwardness made Logan look all the better, and Solo Sikoa coming out as an enforcer, looking every bit as hard as his Dad, was a hell of a thing. That kid has the look. Actually, if Logan ever goes full-time I’d love to see them feud. But for now having his third match be against Roman himself in a competitive match that burned the house down? That’ll do nicely. Five begrudging stars, you bastard. Rating: *****
