Billy walks on stage in full Mennonite garb
BILLY CRYSTAL: "Women Talking? More like Women Shopping! No, I did not look up what the movie is about."
production assistant whispers in his ear
BILLY CRYSTAL: "Oh."
BILLY CRYSTAL: "Triangle of Sadness everyone, what a picture! Seems like a rough trip, but that is only the second worst cruise in the films nominated tonight. The first is Tom!"
cut to Tom Cruise in the audience, laughing a little too forced
BILLY CRYSTAL: "It's a huge night for Ireland, folks! The Banshees of Inisherin has nine total nominations tonight. An Irish Goodbye and The Quiet Girl are representing the emerald isle in Best Short and Best International Feature. I tell ya, at this rate they're going to change the name of this thing to the O'Scars!"
groans from the crowd, cut to Saoirse Ronan looking amusingly confused
BILLY CRYSTAL: "Look, it reads better on the cue card. I don't write these things, people!"
BILLY CRYSTAL: "So many wonderful performances this year, but nobody seems to be getting more buzz then Judd Hirsch in The Fabelmans. One scene wonder, everybody is talking about it! I don't understand why, doesn't seem much different then me getting out of bed!"
huge laugh and applause, close up on Mark Rylance absolutely losing it
BILLY CRYSTAL: "That's real folks! They took it this morning!"
