Hannah

Currently I am in Portland at my sister’s place, relaxing and recovering from a wild pride week in Seattle with a large group of mostly long-time friends. I am now three days removed from one of the most memorable and transformative nights of my life, and I would like to tell you about it.

CW: recreational drug use

Saturday night there was an all-night pride event at a local club called Kremwerk. One friend in particular was a big proponent of all of us going as a final big group activity before people had to start leaving town. Now I had never been to a nightclub. As an autistic recluse, my assumption was that it would not be my scene. But what the hell, I’m here and ready for a new experience.

My friend was also offering a nice little baby dose of ecstasy to anyone interested who hadn’t tried it before. I had actually been interested in trying it for a long time as one of the more common party drugs that probably wouldn’t stress me out. So fuck it, time to go to a queer nightclub for the first time while high on ecstasy and mildly drunk (the drinking is functionally a requirement for me to be able to handle crowd noise, but also… like of course we were getting drunk).

Once we arrive, those familiar with the place give us a quick tour, as Kremwerk has multiple levels and three separate dance floors. We set up a place to meet when in need of a break. And then we picked the smallest dance floor and just… went for it. I hovered at the back for a minute, unsure of myself. I was feeling something. But I didn’t know if it was enough. Enough to let me forget my social anxiety and enjoy myself. But as I stood there, I couldn’t help moving my body. There was an energy within me slowly bubbling up to the surface, and I had a sudden desperate need to release that energy. But I wasn’t quite ready yet.

There was a pause in the music, and I took the opportunity to move forward into the crowd, next to two friends near the front. It turns out we were right on time for the start of a musical drag show. I’d never been to one of those either. It was magical. The first queen came out to I’m With You by Avril Lavigne, and the crowd went fucking ballistic. At some point during that song I fully let go. I gave myself to the feeling and sang along, danced like I didn’t care. It was incredible. I felt properly alive for the first time in years, maybe in my whole life. I felt such a powerful connection to everyone around me. I can’t even describe the experience without tearing up a little.

That night has unlocked something within me. I feel free, loved, sexy, powerful. I want to share that feeling with every single one of my fellow queers. I wish I could give all of you that sense of belonging and love. I do love you, completely.