.gif "talk about sex by @frostsparks")
Gonna rip this one out stream of thought straight into the post window let's go.
"It's another fine day in the underworld. What? Have you not been there? Of course the underworld has nice days. Oh the misery and wailing and stuff yeah, that's mostly just the PR campaign, part of the contract. Word of advice, don't ever enter into a contract with the holy. They're worse than Sphinxes about the trickery, seriously. Like the ten percent trying to weasel the work out of you without letting you into their penthouse club."
"Anyway where was I? Oh, right. Fine day in the underworld, honestly I wasn't expecting it either. No, really. I was in traffic, the light turned green, I twisted a little throttle on and eased the clutch out, pulled off the stop line and all of a sudden my bike and my body were wedged under a Demon skidding at like seventy miles an hour into a concrete barrier.
What? Oh, no no no not like one of my coworkers a demon, a Dodge Demon. You know, the car. Ran the red light at highway speed and hit me so hard it ripped my body off my soul and I didn't even know it had happened, didn't notice the changeover."
"No, really! See right when you first cross over into the land of the dead it looks a lot like topside, I mean a lot. They do it that way so people don't freak out when they die. It looks nice and familiar and then someone shows up to collect you and they're like "Oh it's okay, you're fine. Well, you're dead but it's okay, this is the next step" yadda yadda yadda. I'd never been to that end of town before so everything was unfamiliar anyway, all I knew was my GPS suddenly stopped working. Yeah I was still riding... okay no motorbikes don't have souls. It was an echo I was attached to because I didn't know I was dead. It's complicated. I remembered the directions anyway, five miles and turn right at the second industrial park entrance blah blah blah."
"So I roll up to this office and I am literally in Hell's "corporate headquarters" complex and don't even know it. Luck of the draw. Yeah they have their own office park for like, corrupt middle managers where nobody answers their phone calls or listens to them and they're denied promotions and stuff for eternity. It's apparently the most miserable place you can imagine for office management type people, and I roll in to ask the receptionist for directions because the office part doesn't match up with where I thought I was going. The receptionist, man she looked at me like I was fucking crazy. Just absolutely bat shit bananas out of my mind, and at this point I knew something was weird. But what the hell was I gonna do? I had like fifteen minutes to make it to my job interview."
"The receptionist is just like "Oh you're lost. Hang on let me get you some help" which I thought was nice. She makes a phone call, a couple minutes later this absolutely smoking hot lady in the sharpest suit you've ever seen steps out of the elevator and calls me by my name. I hadn't told anyone my name, but she knew it, so she's gotta be the boss. Right? Makes sense to me. So you know, we do cordial introductions in the lobby and we go into the elevator. I tell her who was supposed to interview me and she tells me he's not in the office but she can do it. I mean yeah later I found out it's because I was dead and he wasn't, you get the idea, but at this point I'm over there like "fuck yeah, these people are serious and I have a good shot at a job" which you know, I'd been out off work for a couple months and unemployment denied my claim so I was getting pretty desperate."
"So we ride the elevator like, forever, and I'm running through my whole deal about how I'm really organized and motivated and task oriented, computer savvy and good with data entry. I'm terrible at interviews but man I was trying, we eventually get out of the elevator and walk through this amazing office floor. Obsidian glass walls with gold corner trim and perfect red carpet, the works. We get into her office and all the chairs are red leather, the wood is dark and shiny, and it's so warm in there you could fall asleep without a blanket. It's the real deal, and she tells me that under no circumstances am I going to be working in the tower mail room. I was just like "damn you could've told me that earlier I'd have saved us both some time and gone home" but she's all "No, that's not it. I have something else for you.""
"So I'm here like, okay. It's a job, right? Like, they're gonna turn the power off at home and I've been eating nothing but rice and beans and potatoes and canned meat for weeks. So she finally breaks it down to me that I'm actually dead and this is the underworld, and I don't believe her. Till she rips a portal into the air next to us and we walk through and we're back at the intersection and there's cops and rescue and fire everywhere and a tow truck lifting a car off my fucking corpse. So I'm like, wow I am dead as shit. Now what? And she's like, the job offer still stands. So we go back to the office and I'm like damn dude I'm dead as hell. Who's gonna take care of my cat? So she lets me know my bestie is gonna take care of him for me and give him a good life, and I can trust her because she knows that kind of thing because she's some kind of succubus demon queen."
"Which like, that's wild as fuck but okay. Then it hits me. If she's a succubus demon queen, what the fuck does she want with me? I have the sex drive of a dead battery, my fire is impossible to light. The furnace has been broken for years, good luck. She leans up and whispers some shit in my ear and I'm like OH GOD DAMN YEAH THAT WOULD DO IT and I get a little thrill right on the spot. I can feel my heart race up real quick and she just smiles. Then she sits back and she's like here's the deal, most normal people would have been furiously masturbating by the time they got to the elevator and I was standing there stone cold going over my organizational skills and typing speed. It turns out I'm immune to the like, ambient sexual energy of even a succubus demon queen. I just don't feel it, it passes through me like a neutrino or something. She knows how to spin my wheels though, because she's who she is, but that's not why she wants me."
"She wants me specifically because I'm immune, because I'm different. I can stroll into a ten thousand soul eternal orgy, pick one person out, and hand them a telegram or grab them by the tail and drag them to the front door without succumbing to the energy or being mobbed by the lesser succubi. It doesn't bother me, and it's not a matter of personal strength or something. There's plenty of demons who are super strong and can resist and have command of their minds and souls and stuff, but I'm just flat fucking immune and that's straight up OP. So anyway I'm her personal assistant and errand girl, and she treats me real nice and when I do get frustrated she's the only one who has the keys to my locks, and that's how you end up with an asexual succubus."
The small coven of a half-dozen fairly disappointed teenage "witches" nod between one another and do some whispering. Though one still can't keep her eyes off the full figured, well-dressed and bespectacled demoness doing the storytelling with her cute spaded tail wrapped around one studded leather platform boot.
"S- so should we try to summon your boss?" one of the brave ones asks.
"Oh, probably not. Well. Hmm. I'll tell you what I'll do. You toss that little notebook in here with me, and thanks for not making the circle teeny tiny by the way. Nothing pisses a demon off like a cramped summon. Toss that notebook and a pen in here, and I'll write down how to do a proper contact circle. I'll relay your message back to the boss, and at the next quarter moon you guys perform the contact circle and you'll ping me directly. That'll give you some time to get your stuff figured out, I'll be expecting the call. If you still want to talk to the queen and make a deal, we'll set something up. Okay?"
They nod, one by one. Then one speaks up for the quiet one in the back after passing the notebook and pen. "What about Christie's stepdad? That's a few weeks away and he... he's still..."
"Oh don't you worry about him. I know someone who'll tear his ass apart and I'll pass that message along free of charge. He won't be bothering anyone after tomorrow night, when you go home your mom is gonna tell you she has to go out of town for a couple days. Right then ask her if you can go stay with your friends, she won't say no."
"Are you gonna send a demon to kill him?"
"Only if you want me to, but remember I'm a messenger. He's religious, right? I have contacts all over, and I know a few extremely righteous guys that'd just love to polish up their holy scrolls on an ass like that."
"For real?"
"For real. Doing judgement and claiming souls and stuff isn't my thing, but I can definitely shine a light on the situation. I'll put a few good words in a few ears."
"Oh! Thank you so much!"
"Nothing to it, ladies. Keep studying and keep practicing. The world needs a few good witches if you decide to stay, and if you decide to cut a deal the boss lady loves a smart girl with a good head on her shoulders."
The demoness smiles and curtsies, pulling the hems on an imaginary skirt and vanishing with a wisp. The circle's sigils all go dark and a swirl of wind picks up, blowing all the salt, spices and ash up into a heap in the center. One of the girls reaches over and picks the notebook and pen up off the ground. They're both warm still, almost hot to the touch. The edges of the pages are a little crispy, but sure enough there's detailed instructions about ingredients, symbols and sigils, the proper size of the circle, time of night, cardinal directions, how to set it all up. Also how to correctly perform the incantation so they get the right demon. There's also a little note reminding the girls to be careful, and that they are the only ones who can actually see the instructions. The pages will be blank to anyone else, and they should guard the notebook closely. Finally, a cheerful "See you soon" and a little heart with a cherubic arrow through it. Though she didn't sign her name.
