I am having one of those days where I should be working but instead have the punchiest energy. Here's the dumbest shitchost idea I've had in awhile-
Fighter is giving nothing, but I can respect it. This isn't showing up to the Met Gala in a tuxedo, it's working construction. They aren't giving class because they are too busy being working class. They are dressed for function and didn't even come to compete. Disqualified (affectionate)
Monk This is a pure failure on your part. You hear monk and think, oh vow of poverty I need to wear simple fare. My guy, you are wearing thousands of gold worth in magic items. The inspiration has never been western monks, it's wuxia. Go watch some martial arts series and come back when you've got drip.... Look, it's not your fault. It's star wars. You hear monk and think whites, tans, and browns. Truly the jedi ruin everything.
Cleric The fighter with zero excuses. You are going around in heavy armor with a shield, the fantasy tuxedo. Giving us absolutely NOTHING. This gets knocked so much further down because you have religion, you have pagaentry- but let's be honest, are you USING it? I want bright colours. I want scripture inscribed on your breastplate. You have zero excuse.
Ranger There is potential here, but we are again dressed purely for utility. If we are lucky they are going to have a cloak made of leaves or some other pop to them. But underneath that it's just camoflage and leather. The tacticool paintballers of the fantasy world.
Druid Giving us the nature angle of the Ranger but with the wardrobe freedom of a caster. Restricting them to not be able to wear metal is great, more themed wardrobes- make players consider what they are wearing. The problem here is that despite this freedom, we are just gonna be seeing the same leathers and furs. And before you start yes I know, your druid is special and has antlers. Honey, if everyone is bringing the same accessory it's not unique- its a uniform.
Barbarian An excuse to show some skin. This isn't a bug it's a feature. But if you are going to be wearing less, you need to consider what is there. The thing you GOTTA give Barbarians? Best boot game in the business. And you know what? I don't mind a bit of loin cloth, it's cheeky, it's flirty.. maybe something slips while you are cleaving foes. But you HAVE to pick an accessory that's not a dead animal. Yes, the lionskin cloak with the head still there draped on your shoulder looks good- but it's played out. Find some new flash or wear something truly unique.
Wizard I know how much cohost loves wizards, but let's be honest- they have been bunting for decades. Yes, you have have some really great textures and colours in a cloak. I love how much fun we can have with drapery and belts. But wizard fashion has been stuck in the hat meta since before I was born. We've hit diminishing returns on brim girth- We NEED to broaden out. Besides which, I see your familiars- WHERE ARE THEIR OUTFITS? Why is froggy not going a-courting with you?
Rogue/Warlock These could be lower, but I'm gonna be real- I love a goth bitch. Spider-web stockings will always be cheat code to my heart and trousers. But you CAN do better. You have been coasting for too long, and if you are going to bite goth style than I want you to actually plumb those depths. I need more Warlocks who listen to Siouxsie and less who listen to Evanescence. Rogues are getting lumped in here because they have too many skulls on their clothes and black in their wardrobe to fight the allegations.
Bard One of the most fashion forward classes. The real problem with bards is that they think their personality can paper over any faults in their wardrobe, letting them bull rush through things like clashing colours or a poor fit. In some cases this might even work, but on the whole it just reeks of unearned confidence. We are looking to serve cunt, not be act like one.
Paladin Once synonymous with Clerics, Paladins got a fucking glowup after that Met Gala. Suddenly everyone is thinking of how to incorporate faith into fashion and we've got dudebros at the table describing their knights having stained glass shields. It's fantastic, we love to see it. The one thing that would truly push it over the top for me is a consideration of lighting. You are gonna activate your holy blade with divine light- and completely bleach your outfit if you haven't thought things through.
Sorcerer The kings of cunt. Unlike wizards, there is no associated dress code for sorcerers- they have the freedom to wear what they like and the charisma to make that work. More than that they are the only class who is willing to think of magic as an accessory, sure a Bard will use disguise self as coverup to hide a blemish, but a sorcerer will work the spell into the fit. Even something low cost like dancing lights can be an easy option for the low level caster, and be absolutely dazzling if used with the correct intent.






.gif)