Hannah

We watched this for bad movie night yesterday. I... do not know how to describe this movie. From start to finish, it is baffling. It is less a horror movie, and more a haunted house ride meant for children, except that it's full of blood and dismemberment, and even a bit of nudity. Everything looks cheap, and someone has discovered how to do wacky transition effects and is using them constantly. There is some craft present, and as much as I want to respect its earnestness, it was just too viscerally unpleasant. By the half-way mark, it has become an unceasing assault on the senses. The music is overused, there are flashing lights and random objects flying around, there's a dancing skeleton, teen girls are screaming, an evil cat meowing, something is always happening, usually everything. It is the only movie I can recall actually overstimming me. I can't express how much I never want to see it again. I resent it and wish I could unsee it.

Kung Fu is best girl though.

For those who don't know, my friend group runs a weekly "bad movie night" each friday. So I've seen a LOT of schlock. And "bad" movie also has so many definitions. I absolutely cannot narrow it down to one. So here's a list of some good ones, which I will undoubtedly look back on and wonder how I missed something obvious.

Dungeons and Dragons (2000)
Classic. Just enough budget to have ambition. A ludicrous script. Jeremy Irons. I first saw it as a kid, maybe the year it came out. I think I liked it then. As an adult, I still like it, but for different reasons. The performances range from laughably bad, to competent, to deliberately over-the-top (thank you, Jeremy Irons). There's some passable practical effects, and some hideous digital ones. It's extremely worth watching.

Hackers (1995)
Ultimate 90s edge. Unbridled cringe. It's just fun.

Six-String Samurai (1998)
We watched this recently, and I kind of love it. It's very tongue-in-cheek, but manages to be cool anyway. It is also anime made real. Like seriously, this dude was so high on anime. The protagonist (who is also co-writer) has a guitar duel with Death. It's wonderful.

Primal Force (1999)
Ron Perlman fights baboons.

If you've never seen the old Dungeons & Dragons movie, I'm begging you to watch it just for the Jeremy Irons scenes. He does not give one fuck that the movie was a cheap pile of junk, he is giving his all to every word, overacting like his life depended on it. Transcendent performance.