"Asmodeus! You're late."
Lilith looked around the conference room, empty aside from her, Lucy and the Lord of Pride.
"I'm three minutes early." She said. "And it's Lilith. As it was last meeting. And several hundred before that."
"Sure, early for the meeting. But you should really show up seven to ten minutes before, help set up, show initiative, y'know, like I do." Abbadon said. "And you should use your new name! Going back to your human name, it makes it seem like you don't even care about your place here.
"I'll take that under consideration, Abbadon."
Lilith fucking hated these meetings.
The other Lords of Sin filtered in over the next few minutes, aside from Belphagor, who they had all long since given up on expecting to arrive on time.
"Alright, the decennial meeting of greater demons is now in session." Lucy said, clicking on a tape recorder. "Lucifer, Lord of the Seven Hells, presiding as always. Belphagor absent, assumed late, again, as always."
She sighed, and flipped open the first page of a printout.
"First on the agenda, we have a proposal from Beezlebub?"
"Actually, I would like to hold off on that until Belphagor gets here." The insectoid Lord of Gluttony buzzed, between fistfuls of food.
Ugh, watching him indulge in his sin always made her wonder if she should bring a few girls to these meetings. Might make them slightly less unbearable.
"Second on the agenda, Lilith wishes to reopen discussions of your ongoing torture strike."
Lilith sighed heavily.
"I would once again like to ask Satan to please join us in our strike. It doesn't have to be permanent, but having no sinners punished at all is going to get more attention from upstairs than-"
"THE DAMNED SHALL CONTINUE TO FEAR MY MIGHT!" Satan bellowed, shaking the room with the force of his voice.
"Just for a few decades-"
"THEY SHALL KNOW NOT A SECOND OF PEACE IN MY HELL!"
"Inside voice, big guy." Belphagor said, yawning as she appeared at the conference table wrapped in blankets and clutching a large stuffed shark.
"Belphagor! Lilith, are you-?"
"I'm done." Lilith sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.
"Okay, so-"
"Abababap- Hang on. I'm after Lilith on the agenda." Mammon tutted, jutting a finger out.
"But-"
"This is my timeslot. You had yours, you didn't want it, you can wait. Lucy?"
"It's his timeslot." Lucy agreed. "Mammon, your proposal?"
Mammon cleared his throat. "Alright, you guys are gonna love this. Souls, they're so inconvenient, aren't they?"
"No?"
"Nope."
"Never once thought this."
"Now, hear me out here. One word. Soulcointm."
"SOUL AND COIN ARE TWO WORDS!" Satan yelled, frustrated.
"Yes, but I'm combining them into one new word. Soulcointm."
"Why do you keep saying it like that?" Lilith asked, and instantly regretted engaging with the conversation.
"Ohohoho, why indeed! You see, Soulcointm is no mere currency, my friend, no no-"
"We aren't friends."
"- Soulcointm is the Web3, blockchain capable solution we need to bring the Seven Hells into the next generation!"
"Mammon, none of what you just said meant anything. At all." Said Abbadon.
"Now, I know you're asking, 'Mammon, how do I get some Soulcointm?' And folks, it's so simple, you'll be racking them up in no time. You send me, your buddy Mammon, souls."
"Nope."
"And what I do, is I mint an equal number of Soulcointm and put them in your digital wallet. And that's on the blockchain. That's verified."
"...But, I want souls so I can eat them." Said Beelzebub, and the other lords nodded in agreement. "What can I do with soulcoins?"
"It's Soulcointm, and that's what I'm here to propose. What I need you all to do, is drum up Soulcointm hype, get people onboard, so they want 'em. And then, when everybody wants them, we stop minting more. Then, the Soulcointm that you got at a rate of one to one soul, people are lining up to buy them for more and more, five, ten, a hundred souls apiece!"
"So that they can do what with them, Mammon?"
"Well, now they have them, and people will want to buy 'em for souls!"
"Motion to stop talking about this?" Beelzebub asked.
"All in favour?" Asked Lucy, and all but Mammon raised their hands. "Motion passed. Beelzebub, what is your proposal?"
"Luddites." Mammon grumbled.
"Alright!" Beelzebub buzzed. "I would like to propose that Lust, Gluttony, and Sloth, are all the same sin, and should be consolidated into one circle: Hedonism. The pursuit of pleasure."
"Interesting!" Lilith chirped. "Fuck no!"
"Awww c'mon, you can't deny it makes sense! All three of us are about overindulging in earthly pleasures!"
"You just want to fuck the succubi!"
"Yeah! I do!"
"Well, get in line and pay them like everyone else."
"You don't pay them!"
"Because they love me, dickhead. Answer's no."
"Well, my answer is yes! Belphagor?"
Belphagor snored loudly, having fallen asleep during their argument.
"What- Belphagor. Belphagor wake the fuck up. I'm trying to help us both out here."
"Wake her up and put it to a vote if you want, my girls still aren't going to want to serve the Lord of Maggots." Lilith hissed.
"Oh, yeah, real nice coming from the girl who can look however she wants, shit on the bug guy-"
"You'd like that, wouldn't you."
Mammon cleared his throat loudly.
"You know, these are supposed to be civil meetings. Are we done with this discussion?"
"Yes." Said Lilith.
"No!" Whined Beelzebub.
"Yes." Said Lucy. "That's all that was scheduled on the agenda, would anyone like to discuss anything not-"
"Ooh, ooh, me!" Mammon said, waving his hand in the air. "Pick me!"
"Mammon, speak."
"Now, as my friend Beelzebub has so astutely pointed out-"
"Not your friend." Beelzebub buzzed.
"- the Hells are in need of some restructuring. Some consolidation."
"Oh for fuck's sake, you see what you've done? We're not having this fucking discussion again-" Lilith seethed, her talons scratching deep grooves into the table as she gripped it, furious.
"I would like to posit that there is only one sin: Greed, and all circles should be placed under my rule."
"NO!!! NO THEY FUCKING SHOULDN'T I'LL WRING YOUR STUPID PENCIL NECK-"
"Easy there, Lord of Sex Greed."
"This is ridiculous!" Beelzebub buzzed furiously, his loud droning filling the room.
"It was your idea, Food Greed!" Mammon said, shrugging. "You and her and Sleep Greed are all the same, because you're aaaaallllllllllllllllll Greed, baby."
"Sleep greed is a stretch and you know it."
"Why are you mad? I'm agreeing with you! We should take your good idea further! Bring in Violence Greed, Attention Greed, Greed For Other People's Shit-"
"I have so little compared to you fuckers, and you want to take it from me?" Whined Leviathan.
"I, for one, am good with my circle remaining how it is." Said Abbadon, smiling smugly.
"Oh, sure you are, Mr. Perfect, the mortals throw parades for your sin."
Abbadon's smile faltered, a tiny bit.
"Actually, Lilith gets those." He mumbled.
"Of course she does, Lucy plays favorites." Leviathan whined, and then withered under Lucy's glare.
"I don't pick what the sins are, nor where sinners are sent, nor how many circles there are. You want to reorganize, take it up with God. Leviathan." She snapped, and he whimpered pathetically. "Whine all you want, but if you question my leadership again there will be dire consequences. Mammon, Beelzebub, you have your own circles, stop being dickheads. Belphagor-"
She cupped her hands around her mouth.
"WAKE THE FUCK UP! I MAKE YOU COME TO ONE MEETING A DECADE! PAY ATTENTION!"
Belphagor woke with a start, and Abbadon snickered.
"Couldn't have said it better myself, boss-"
"Abbadon, quit being such a kissass."
Lucy closed her eyes and rubbed her hands down her face, groaning.
"If that's all, meeting adjourned. Get the fuck out of my office."
"Why don't Satan and Lilith get yelled at?" Whined Leviathan.
"Because they're my favorites."
"I WOULD LIKE TO BE INCLUDED IN THE YELLING." Yelled Satan.
"FINE."
"YIPPIE!"
