It bubbled out of the earth like something buoyant bobbing to the water's surface.
Authors: Meadowcroft, T., Ramonds, Z., and Johnson, J. (2015)
Abstract: Long ago in the history of European Colonial attempts along the North American East coast, a series of experiments run by Sir Charles Doubtwire (formerly of Amsterdam) assessed that Witches of many sects floated readily on water. Based on the development of International Terror Witchery in the last decade, the present study was concerned in accessing what, if any, fluid media would impair the buoyancy of known Witches. Conducted in conjunction with the Department of Defense, the Department of Spectral Affairs, and the Department of the Interior, a series of fluid media were trialed on a participant pool of 10 recently imprisoned Witches from the Cabal of Wales. The majority of fluid media available for mundane purposes comprise often of significant volumes of water, and liquids comprised of molten material cause instant ignition and incineration of witches (Steinmen, Et. Al., 1986, Eisenhower, 1944). For testing purposes, unusual liquids unlikely to be found in nature were trialed, including cooking oils, industrial lubricants, highly acidic and basic fluids such as cleaning solution, as well as room temperature Mercury. All liquids were contained in a 1 meter deep, 2 meter diameter cylindrical tank, and participants after signing release forms were lowered on their backs via a mechanized harness and detached from the lowering crane for 5 minutes.
With the exception of fatalities caused by inhalation of toxic fumes or submersion in Mercury, testing revealed that most naturally occurring fluids are not harmful to Witches nor meaningfully impair Buoyancy. Artificial fluid media such as Corn Syrup, Bleach, Polymerized Liquid Soaps, Gasoline, and Motor Oil significantly impacted the Buoyancy of Witches tested. Mercury exposure quickly resulted in fatal seizures and complete neurological failure of the participant, replicating almost verbatim the results of high-salinity fluid media exposure tested by the Chinese Government (Chang, Et. Al., 1996). Toxic shock and Asphyxiation resulted in 3 additional participant fatalities during Corn Syrup, Motor Oil, and Gasoline assessments. Upon 4 of the 10 participants expiring in the course of testing, Dr. Meadowcroft assumed control of the present study after internal review. Participant fatalities were limited to Witches who later were revealed to have Death Hexes inflicted upon them (likely by their Circle's leadership) prior to capture by Welsh officials. This is assumed to be a probabilistic contamination that resulted in random-chance outcome fixing assigning likely-fatal media to hexed participants. The presence of Hexes in the participant pool has skewed the data and brought about open revision of follow-up testing protocols, particularly regarding the recruitment of participants from convicted criminal Witch populations.
Disclosures: Paid for, organized by, and staffed by the Waygate Agency. The Waygate Agency is a specialized initiative under the United States Department of the Interior.
