This adventurer works for fantasy OSHA and is here to inspect this dungeon. And it's not looking good.
The acolyte of Pandorius, their large figure and flamboyant body language nearly taking up all of the small office's space, laughed. "What you're doing here- It's ingenious really. Maddeningly so. Haha! If your company weren't so intent on squeezing every drop of gold from Midas the Dungeonmaster, I'd congratulate you. Sadly, I work for him. You're fucking over my boss."
The taskmage, notably tall but small in spirit, hid behind her papers. She had heard rumors that the Merchant's Guild had ulterior motives for running the dungeons. But she wasn't ready to face accusations head-on. "Uhm, what do you mean, Mx. Hand of Pandorius? Do you have any proof?"
"Just call me Handyman." The acolyte sat on the desk and crossed their legs "And I'm glad you asked. You know- Midas the Dungeonmaster doesn't fill dungeons with gold and loot for nothing. Oh no. Dungeons- they're supposed to be spiritual experiences. Enlightening to mortal minds and their ignorant love of arbitrary laws and narrow view of life. A good dungeon challenges you. Transforms you. Terrifies the wise and empowers the foolish! A good dungeon is good for the soul! That's why Midas the Dungeonmaster tempts you humans out of your little shacks with money and baubles and artifacts of unspeakable power. For His love of humanity! For His love of inhumanity!"
The taskmage adjusted her circular glasses and scooted her chair away from the Handyman. She didn't expect a sermon. "Uhm. What about the actual violations?"
Mx. Handyman threw up their hands and waltzed across the office. "Safety Dungeon is fine. Class D rewards for a beginner's dungeon. Your expert dungeon- also fine. I love the spike traps and that minotaur. Damn, he works out. Its a little too 'kill-murder-y' for me, but I respect the classic approach. If you mixed up the threats a little, we could stock the place with SS tier loot."
Mx. Handyman's expression soured. Or at least, the taskmage guessed from a shift in tone. Mx. Handyman wore a gigantic theater mask. She couldn't say for sure.
"The intermediate dungeon though" The acolyte sounded like they would cry "The poison traps are weak, and antidotes are easily available. The slimes are hypoallergenic and friendly. Your so-called Cerberus is a Pomeranian! Midas restocks the place with Class B loot each night, and your goons clean it out each morning! This a clear abuse of the godpact between Midas and the South Shore Merchant's Guild. And as such, your souls are forfeit."
The taskmage blinked. That escalated quickly. She needed her manager. "Aren't you acting a bit rashly, Mx. Handyman? Let me escalate this to the duke."
A tear fell to the ground from the acolyte of Pandorius's mask. "No need. No need. And I hold no ill will towards you, taskmage. You have been honest in your dealings with me, I'll see that reflected in your future position. Being a minion of The Dungeonmaster is quite rewarding actually. We have dental, all the dungeons are co-ops, and the amenities are great. I plan on retiring to be a dungeon monster, actually."
The taskmage was deeply concerned. "D-dungeon monster? What are you talking about?"
The acolyte of Pandorius held their hands into the air. A shimmering hammer and chisel materialized into their hand. Time and space seemed to warp around them. "You'll find yourself comfy in your new lair shortly."
Mx. Handyman vanished. Their spirit, empowered by Midas the Dungeonmaster, flowed over the South Shore Merchant's Guild and their 'intermediate' difficulty dungeon.
First thing was first. There was already adventurers in the dungeon. One paladin had stepped on a pressure plate, but the poison released was so weak, that the party didn't even notice it. This had to change.
The paladin found himself coughing, his body twisting in his armor. Thick, purple fumes expelled from his lungs with each cough. His party looked on concerned, feeling less well.
The paladin found his body lengthening, yet also hardening. His armor fell off to reveal carefully sculpted scales- as though he was being petrified by a particularly artful medusa. With a final grunt, the paladin was overtaken by stone, and his body coiled into the statue of a dragon- A statue of a dragon spewing an especially effective poison. A poison the former paladin's party was not prepared for. They fled, not ready for this trail.
"Good" The ephemeral acolyte muttered. "Now for the actual challenges."
With half their ghostly tendrils, Mx. Handyman pushed, chiseled, expanded, and rebuilt the intermediate dungeon. More hallways. A few monster-sized living quarters. Some windows and openings to bring in natural light from the surface. Maybe these could be used by a particularly clever adventurer as shortcut? Who knows. Such was the fun of dungeoneering- every adventurer could met their end or new beginning in such creative ways.
With their other ghostly tendrils, they reached into the South Shore Merchant's Guild offices. Corrupt, small-minded bureaucrats! This old merchant would make a great kobold. A ghostly hand grabbed him, he disappeared in a poof, and reappeared in the dungeon in a smaller, kobold-ier form. And this one would make for a good haunted spellbook. Maybe this secretary would enjoy a shot at being a dashing incubus? Oh, and every dungeon needs a demon nurse! The halls of the South Shore Merchant's Guild were cleared out one by one.
Mx. Handyman looked into their additions. "Perfect! Cerberus is getting along great with my newly minted kobolds! This could be a premier dungeon experience yet! I just need a finale. An ultimate challenge!"
Back in her office, the taskmage could sense something was deeply wrong since the acolyte of Pandorius disappeared, but hadn't had the chance to leave. Her office rumbled, and suddenly fell into the earth. Startled, she fell with it.
"Ouch!" The taskmage rubbed the side she fell on. She looked around. Was her office always this spacious? And full of shelves, tomes, and scrolls?
Something caught her eye. This taskmage gig for the Merchant's Guild was supposed to be a temporary job. She really wanted to be a researcher. She had a deep need for knowledge. A desire that, unbeknownst to her, was being exploited.
A twinkle entered her eye as she glanced over her hoard of books. New voices entered her head. This is all the tomes I ever wanted! Her hands and feet twisted into claws. A treasure trove of knowledge! Her neck stretched out, growing glistening blue scales. And I won't let anyone take it from me, at least not without a fight! Her whole form quadrupled in size, growing wings, falling on into her arm claws, and taking the form of a dragon. A form that- while deeply gratifying, euphoric, and majestic- was a bit too big too handle books. With a quick spell (her arcane knowledge had expanded so much in a few moments!) she poofed into her humanoid hybrid form. Because anything a human could do a dragon can do better.
Mx. Taskmaster oversaw her transformation. "Good. Good. This is perfect. Great dungeon boss."
And Midas The Dungeonmaster seemed to agree. For just as quickly as the acolyte of Pandorius was gifted His powers, those powers were stripped aware. They lost His hammer and chisel. Mx. Handyman rematerialized above ground, and fell into a bush. "By Pandorius' Nethers!" They swore into the open air. Rematerializing was the worst part of dungeon building.
Ah, well. There was only one part left to their job- test the improved dungeon.
....
"HAHAHAHA!" The acolyte of Pandorius cackled hypnotically as they practically bounced off the dungeon walls. The kobolds were basically fodder- easily confused by their enchanted voice- but every dungeon needs them. The incubus. Oooooh that incubus. That incubus was going to break hearts and get into some really complicated love triangles with adventurers. His charm almost got the acolyte, but their heart belonged to Pandorius.
The acolyte ran up and down the dungeon walls, neatly dodging the traps they had set up a bit ago. They entered Cerberus's chambers, pet the dog, and kicked down the door into the dragon's lair.
"An adventurer already?!? Oh its you." The dragon-woman was lounging in her bed, Demon Nurse in one hand, and thick-looking tome in her other. "Could you finish your inspection? We're reading yaoi. And you're harshing the vibe."
"Ahahaha, excuse me ladies, just playtesting the dungeon. I'll be out of your hair in a moment." Mx. Handyman skipped up to the middle of the dragon's lair, much to the annoyance of the dragon and demon. They held up their hands near the center, clapped, and proclaimed "GetMeOutttaHere123!" There was a brief flash of light. Then they were gone.
"There's a teleporter in the middle of my lair! Can't the adventurers just walk back?" The dragoness rolled her eyes. "I guess that's modern dungeon design for you!"
