I’m not entirely sure how long I’ve been this way, but recently I’ve realized I’m someone who is way too scared of what either people think of me, including strangers. This is not an ideal trait to have when you’re someone who’s visibly queer, nor is it an ideal trait to have when you’re someone who puts very personal art out onto the internet for a living! This year, I’ve been trying to focus on getting better at not worrying about this and just exist. Easier said than done, of course.
Back in January, thanks to encouragement from my friend Strade (if you’re reading this hii), I made a fursona! I got a lot more invested in it than I expected I would, and spent several hours designing them. I even almost forgot eat that night because I was so focused. If you haven’t seen them yet, here they are!
Their name is Fennel and they’re a dog/sheep combo. It was a really fun form of self expression! Of course, having a fursona didn’t make me a furry or anything. It was just for fun. Of course.
And then two days later I registered for Vancoufur, a local furry convention.
In the coming weeks, I grew more and more excited. I’ve been really struggling to make friends and meet people ever since I moved here a year ago, and I was hoping this would be a good chance to socialize with other terminally online queer weirdos.
Once I got there, it took a while for it to really click for me. I’m not exactly new to cons - I’ve been to the Calgary Fan Expo twice, the Vancouver Fan Expo once, and PAX West twice. Vancoufur was nothing like these. There weren’t a lot of booths, and there weren’t really that many panels going on at a time either. What was I supposed to do between events? Just sit around doing nothing? Don’t get me wrong, I was already having a lot of fun, but I wasn’t really sure why the con lasted for so long if there were so few booths and so few events.
On the second evening, I was bored and it was several hours until my next panel, so I wandered around and ended up in a big dance/rave area. Dances aren’t really my thing, but I figured it’d be something different to at least look at. Swaying back and forth awkwardly at the back of the room like I did at every dance in high school, I watched all these people dancing and having fun. People wearing fursuits, or cosplays, or maid dresses, or even just regular casual clothes, just dancing and enjoying being themselves. That’s when it hit me, what separated this from any other con I had been to. Standard cons are a bunch of booths and panels surrounding a shared interest. Furry cons are high energy, wholehearted celebrations of being a complete fucking weirdo, and I am so fucking on board with that.
After that point, I enjoyed the convention a lot more. I allowed myself to go all in and be weird and earnest and cringe! I talked to a lot of people! I joined the annoying chorus of YIPPIEs that would sprout up in the crowd every other hour! I tried on this big waggy tail thing at the Dealer’s Den! It was a lot of fun! Turns out being yourself and allowing yourself to have fun is… well, fun. Who knew! I never realized how much I needed something like this.
By the time the convention was over, I was exhausted and ready to sleep for a hundred years, but I knew I was fundamentally changed. I’m not the same person I was a week ago. I can already feel in my brain that the little evil leech that’s constantly screeching about how other people think I’m weird has started shrivelling up. It has no more food now that my response to “other people think you’re fucking weird” is usually an indifferent shrug. My anxiety hasn’t disappeared over night, of course, but it’s made an almost supernatural amount of progress over the course of a single weekend.
Over the past week, I’ve cared a lot less about whether strangers care about my pastel pink dyed hair or the fact that I’m wearing a skirt but have a clearly visible beard shadow. I’ve found myself ever so slightly dancing along a little bit to the music playing on the grocery store radio. I’ve felt a lot more free, and I’m having more little moments of fun in day to day life. It’s been less than a week since the con ended, and I hope this energy continues throughout the year and into the future.
I have already registered for next year’s con and will probably be going to another, smaller one in November. Yippie!
