There's a number of kinks that are like, socially risky to have, even in queer spaces. having these kinks can present someone with a familiar choice:

Accept themselves, but feel keenly aware of the social danger of it. Always be a bit on edge around people whenever any kind of topic veers near it. Carefully think about whether it's necessary to hide away anything that might act as a tell.

Or, reject themselves, feel much less social danger, but always be on edge whenever their own internal thoughts veer near it. And this also includes being on edge when discussions with others pass by the topic too, but the discomfort manifests differently.

This is not dissimilar from the experience of being gay in a place where that's socially dangerous, i think. It's much the same decision between accepting being gay but being "in the closet", or pushing thoughts away and rejecting the premise outright. It is not as though one way brings joy and the other suffering; they each have different pains and reliefs.

I personally prefer the self-acceptance.

I find the alternative feels like I am my own oppressor. That I'm doing the job in my every waking moment even when I'm alone, when there's no social situation to impose a danger in the first place. And then there's an incentive to also perform that same oppression to others I think, because as long as they're visible, I have to feel mentally uncomfortable as I self-regulate my own reactions to their visibility. I don't like these things.

But the acceptance choice does make navigating the world feel like it requires more skill and finesse than maybe it ought to.

These are I think not really new thoughts, but it helps me to explicitly think about the way in which these social patterns repeat themselves, at a smaller scale, amongst people who have tried to liberate themselves from the same patterns in a broader sense. The recursion is unfortunate I think, but it is also reassuring in how it makes it comprehensible and something I can deal with.

Funnily enough, Motes Played comes with a whole-ass essay about this and the resentment it can instill in one. Wonder why~

Like, I do not engage with Motes in a kink way — at least, not in the narrow definition of kink as something inherently sexual — but it is so tied up in people's minds with kink that, to them, it might as well be, and so I am faced with the same choice. I could have pushed her away as an aspect of myself or a character to write and remained as I was, constantly on-edge, constantly vibrating at the speed of sound within the performance of social acceptability.

I chose instead a form of curation. Some people do not get it and that is fine. Some people are wary or do not want direct engagement but are otherwise okay with it and that is fine. Some people will revel alongside her and that is more than fine. Some people hate her — hate me — and I have no choice but to accept that as fine, too. My task is to allow others to curate their interactions with me without compromising my sense of self worth.

Stuff like Motes Played, or Motes on Discord, or Motes on Wolfery, or even posting this here provides an opportunity for those who would like to Not Deal to curate their engagement (viz. me posting that Where the Wild Things Are response separate from the thread). If you need me out of your life, that is fine, you are allowed — I will miss you — but at least I will not be quite so terrified of myself.