[Interior shot of the plain DOOR of the PIT ROOM. Sound effects of GUARDS outside Wilhelm-screaming and getting beat up can be heard.]

[Our heroes bust open the door to the PIT ROOM]

PROT A. GONIST: Piece of cake.

DOOT R. GONIST: Heh. You think they would hire more guards for how important this place is.

[Establishing shot of the interior of the PIT room. The camera pans across the flithy DIRT FLOOR, up to the UNSETTLING MOPS in the corner, across a wall where the words I'M SUFFERING are written in smeared letters, and then finally back down to the CHILD, face down and in a fetal position.]

DOOT (whispering): Are you sure we should do this? We're not supposed to say anything to the child.

PROT (epically): Well, that's we came here to do, right?

DOOT: If you say so...

[PROT nervously approaches trembling THE CHILD, who is making weird breathing noises, and then gently places his hand on his shoulder]

PROT: It's okay little guy. We're here to rescue you.

[THE CHILD slowly turns his head towards the camera, revealing a full, healthy, bearded, adult face. The face is of none other than JESUS OF NAZARETH.]

URSULA K LE GUIN (from beyond the grave): What the hell?

JESUS: Know ye not that it is meet for one to suffer that all might live? I have taken upon myself the sins of this people that they might have life, and that they might have it abundantly. Verily, verily, I am the very foundation and rock upon which this city is built.

DOOT (keanuly): Whoah.

LE GUIN: What are you talking about? The people in this city do drugs and have orgies.

JESUS: Go ye forth from here, and walk away from Omelas preaching this Gospel unto the ends of the earth.

PROT (amazed): Whatever you say, man.

LE GUIN: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!

THE POPE: This is canon.