NireBryce

reality is the battlefield

the first line goes in Cohost embeds

🐥 I am not embroiled in any legal battle
🐦 other than battles that are legal 🎮

I speak to the universe and it speaks back, in it's own way.

mastodon

email: contact at breadthcharge dot net

I live on the northeast coast of the US.

'non-functional programmer'. 'far left'.

conceptual midwife.

https://cohost.org/NireBryce/post/4929459-here-s-my-five-minut

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i wish i had better ways to navigate the thing where I keep ending up being unidirectionally faulted when someone close and I run out of things to talk about, and our interests diverge, and our lives get busy with things that don't prompt sharing like work or doctors or studies we struggle with.


and i get that some of it is because I'm just letting it happen but like, that's two way.

and no one really... means it like that, but it is the reality, especially when i like. disclaim this up front.

and like. usually I put in more work trying to prompt things, in retrospect, which makes it suck more. and it's no one's fault but i really am tired of having my unwillingness to be pushy be on me. or the responsibility of learning when the bad/checked out time is over.


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in reply to @NireBryce's post:

especially when like, so much of it is my smaller acts of being around for them usually are seen as just things happening in life, so i don't have much to show for anything. which is brutally worded and not what they think, but it is in abstract.

I don't think anyone is at fault in these, but it's very annoying putting a lot more into a thing than people and being told you haven't enough, when that much was clear when they signed on and i explained my whole brain and illness thing, and i still did a lot of the lifting on my end.

i wish i was less... whatever kind of attraction it is that gets people to like, feel compelled to be with me enough that it means they ignore all of that stuff because while i know we do love each other in the feelings way there's some like, foundational thing just completely missing.

and there's thousands of ways I could have fixed this pattern, including the relationship equivalent of "managing up" and pumping up your achievements, but if i have to do that I'm not really cool with it.

I'm also unwilling to like. lie.

but I'm up front! Often to the point of being heavy handed and it is never enough because the good times are good. and then they aren't and I'm a slog. and some people are good and get it but like.

I'm realizing it's given me issues trusting anyone on this. Or any of my instincts.

and don't get me wrong, I understand a lot of it is people don't really Get what any of it will mean. but I'm so tired of building things and being told I haven't done large parts of that.

and mostly, tired of people thinking I'm cutting them out when they eventually just stop trying to talk because I get ill enough that I have nothing to talk about for days at a time to carry things past "hey".

this isn't recent stuff, just reminded of an interaction last year because we need to exchange something I left there, juxtaposed with things going pretty well so far with two newer relationships.

and i just. it's happened with a lot of people and then there's held resentment I don't learn about, or anxieties on their part, or hurt, and there's not much I can do but be like. yeah i guess i did do that, in abstract. because anything else really does sound like excuses if you haven't been there. and even with people who have, they. idk, often don't internalize others can be there, not consciously but the certain kind of tunnel vision you get when you don't have energy and yet are on fire. I get it, I've been there.

but I'm so tired of all of this. even when I'm not Tired.