Originally published on AO3 https://archiveofourown.org/works/41036142
Summary: While dissociating on the dark web, Morty starts to ask himself awkward questions. Given there's infinite worlds, infinite Ricks, and infinite Mortys, where are the girls?
Author's note: This was an exercise in writing other people's characters, as well as making people tell me "This is absolutely cursed." It was an overwhelming success.
Morty found his grandfather knee deep in some science project. A familiar array of broken electronics, odd colored liquids, things that screamed "Alien Technology". Sometimes quite literally screaming.
He figured it was some sort of drug lab. That or some fake-ass setup so that Rick could scream at whoever interrupted him. There was never a good time to ask a question, but there were plenty of bad times.
"Uhh, Rick?," Morty began, "Ummm."
"Can't you see I'm busy Morty!" Rick replied, punctuated with burps, waving at the assorted accoutrements humming in tune. "Doing Science Stuff! Complicated," Burp, "Sciencey stuff. Smartest man in the world stuff. I'm busy."
"Grandpa Rick. Um." Morty interrupted, pulling out the big guns. Words only to be used in an emergency. "Grandpa Rick, I have a question."
"Spit it out." Rick sighed. "What is it this time? Picked up a Robot STI again? Go all Akira in the toilet? Or did your sister find the sock?"
Morty shook his head. "No Rick. Well, Erm, Mostly No. Not That. It's...err"
"What." Rick pulled out his hip flask, now empty. "Fuck. Is it your turn for an adventure again? I told you already, that intergalactic beer run didn't count. Wait your turn."
"It's ... It's..." Morty was building up the courage to ask a question and failing miserably.
"I know you're not the smartest man on earth Morty." Another burp. "Let alone the smartest Morty anywhere this side of the Central Finite Curve, but... wait. I had something for this."
"Something about a grade curve?" Morty suggested.
"Definitely not the smartest Morty." Rick shrugged and went looking for more alcohol. "So what is it Morty? Spit it out!" A smirk. "That's my thing now."
Morty took a deep breath.
"Um, Well Rick."
"uhuh"
Rick pretended to listen while he searched for alcohol in his lab.
"If there's uhhh, infinite versions of us in infinite worlds, and so..."
"Go on Morty," Another burp, "Sure."
"... and those infinite worlds contain every possible Rick and ... and every possible Morty... well.... Rick... umm..."
"Do I have to do my bit again, Morty? Do I? Goddammit where's the booze? Sober Rick has no time to waste Morty. Hurry it up already!"
Morty spat it out.
"Why haven't we ever met any girl versions of us?"
"Woahhhhh there you little hormonal Casanova." Rick stopped in his tracks. "Ahh. Christmas brandy, that should be perfect for an awkward conversation like this." Rick snapped open the screw cap and took a sniff. "Whoah. This smells terrible. This smells like that sock under your bed. The one summer found and posted a picture of to the group chat. At least she never found Jerry's."
Morty just stood there waiting for an answer. Rick held up a finger as he chugged a good half of the crappy spirits.
"Well?" Morty tried again.
"So what is this? Want to create a new space-incest-baby? One wasn't enough? Or is it self-cest you want now? Been reading the old hentai there Morty? Been jacking off on the dark web?"
"No Rick." Morty shook his head. "Not this time anyhow, but, I... I was reading twitter and..."
"Oh, here we go. Twitter." Rick threw his hands in the air in frustration, "The online equivalent of the Council of Ricks. A whole culture of people who think they're smarter than everyone else, and spend their free time labelling each other as enemies." Rick stopped pointing at Morty and downed the bottle. "Glad I picked brandy. A real Festive drink."
"Well? Rick?" Morty began. "Spit.."
"Don't steal my line you little shit!" Rick waved the now empty bottle in Morty's face. "Isn't it obvious why we've never met girl us?"
A rhetorical question. Rick counted out the reasons on his hand as he rushed to explain.
"You'll fuck anything that moves," one finger, "breathes," another finger, "and the numerous times you stuck your dick in a machine, mains powered or battery operated."
Rick then held up all eight fingers and flicked one of his thumbs back and forth. "... and there was that crack in the pavement in the citadel that reminded you of Jessica."
Another burp.
"... and even though girl Morty is going to be less attractive than a wet bucket and crusty sock.."
"hey" Morty tried to interrupt.
"... and you'd still try and fuck her. Worse?. She might actually try and fuck you." Rick crossed his hands. "That's bad Morty, something that's obvious to everyone", Burp, "everyone but you."
"Can't be any worse than a dragon, Rick." Morty shot back.
"I don't need another Morty Jr. Morty Squared. 2Morty2Furious. Morty and Morty's Bogus Adventure. I don't want to have to tell the other version of you to spit it out, Morty."
Rick tried drinking from the empty bottle. "Fuck it, maybe this'll get the network off our backs, it worked for Adventure Time. At least tumblr will be happy."
Rick threw the now empty bottle of brandy over his shoulder. "Let's go before I sober up and change my mind."
Morty wasn't sure why Rick had given into Morty's request. Something about running out of beer, and the parallel universe having some "hardcore shit." but Morty wasn't really paying much attention.
His mind was elsewhere.
"I wonder what Mom and Dad are up to."
"Don't bother asking, this is a short trip Morty, no time for a B-Plot. Anyway", Burp, "Let's go over the ground rules one more time."
"Aw Rick."
Rick had gone over the rules at least eight times already, in about twenty different ways. Which was why Morty had already started to tune him out.
"Shut up or this memory will end up in the basement! Rule number one..."
"Don't fuck girl-morty."
Rick had made this very clear numerous times already. It had been rule number 4,5, 17, and 63 as well. Rick really went off on one at the alcohol store.
"So much for rule number two." Rick rolled his eyes.
"Don't call them girl-rick and girl-morty. I know, Rick".
"You start calling her girl-rick, she starts calling me boy-vicky, Flagnar starts calling us human-flagnar. It just gets confusing. You start typing Girlrick into your phone and ..."
"Ok, Ok Rick" Morty protested, "Don't fuck Mary. Come on, I'm not..."
"There we go!" Rick shot him a look, "Was that so hard? Jeez Morty, you seem to remember all the stupid serial numbers. Oh Hey Rick That's Rick Twelve-Eleven-B, Oh Rick Let's Invite Forty-Five-Hundred-and Six out to Atlantis again! What's so hard about calling", Burp, "her Mary?"
"We should hang out with Rick-4506 again." Morty tried changing the topic.
"Whatever. We're almost here. Now keep your dick in your pants and your hands in your.... by your side." Burp. "That's Rule 3. This isn't one of those horny mirror universes where everyone's a fascist."
"What kind of mirror universe is it Rick?" Morty tried changing the topic again.
"The opposite of ours, duh." Another burp, "This isn't star trek where the only differences are everyone is less repressed, openly fucks, and doesn't pretend a society where everyone is a soldier is peaceful, this is a proper mirror universe. Chirality. Morty."
Another burp.
"... and you can look that up on wikipedia when we get phone signal." Rick continued, "The booze here is incredible. It starts with a hangover and then you get absolutely drunk, only to slowly sober up as you finish the beer. I'd make it myself but remember that time I woke you up in the night and told you we had to switch universes."
"Which one?"
"Uh. Second one. When I was sober that one time. That's why we had to," Burp, "leave Morty. Accidentally destroyed the concept of regular alcohol. Mirror universe stuff tends to unravel things. Speaking of which."
Rick leaned over and began to fumble around the car, looking for something, knocking over several empty bottles in the process.
"You'll need this too. It'll stop your body slowly trying to turn itself inside out." He handed Morty a pair of cat-ears.
"... and Don't tell Summer. Boy-Summer is exactly her," Burp, "type."
Landing outside the same cookie cutter suburban house, Morty stuck his face up to the window of the car looking for differences, but everything looked roughly the same, give or take being the other way around.
The garage was on the right side of the house, but inside was pretty much the same, a mess of junk and boxes. The other car was a little tidier, sure enough, but the driver's seat and passenger seat were flipped.
"Here we are Morty." Rick slammed the car door, "... and remember: Don't take the ears off."
There wasn't any sign of Mary, but Vicky was waiting outside.
"Rick."
"Vicky."
She looked a little like Space-Beth, if she'd retired and worked part-time at a pharmacy. She had the same lab coat, the same spiky hair, but surprisingly no distinct stench of booze.
If anything, the stench of the brandy from earlier overpowered any other odor.
"You bring the good stuff?" She asked.
"You know it, bi-atch." Rick struck a pose holding some glowing bottle aloft. "Finest booze from the mirror universe."
"Careful don't want to have to shift universes again. Heh." Vicky snatched the bottle. "and this must be your grandson, Marty?"
"We changed it for," Burp, "Copyright reasons." Rick explained. "Same reason I'm not called Doc.
"I'm Morty, Ma'am." Morty offered a hand shake.
Vicky declined, instead pulling out some sort of device to scan Morty.
"Still the original model, Rick?" She asked.
"Close enough." Burp. "Bit of an ol' ship-of-theseus, a few upgrades here and there, but pretty much as annoying as ever. Don't let him near your socks.", Burp, "Where's your little scamp?"
"Stole my x-ray goggles, went to Brad's house, probably jacking it in some bush, you know how a Mary is." Vicky replied, "How's the mirror universe? Still a bit fascist?"
"I voted for the other guy." Rick sighed. "They still have pictures of the dear leader everywhere and make kids praise the flag every morning. We're up to four endless wars now, a war on drugs, a war on crime, a war on terrorism, and a war on gender now too."
"What's next a war on numbers?" Vicky asked, not expecting an answer.
"Yeah we already have illegal prime numbers." Rick explained, "Used to smuggle them out for kicks."
"Fascists, huh." Vicky nodded back. "Typical. Still got that stupid council? The federation?"
"Not anymore. Not really sure where the canon is going next, kinda hard to come up with an adversary when you're the smartest man in the world." Burp. "Anyway, I'll be back in a few hours, I'll grab Mary on the way out."
Morty sighed. So much for an adventure. Rick brought him here to trade places.
"Your Morty isn't gonna invert again, right?" Vicky re-scanned Morty one more time to be sure. "That was messy."
Rick looked at Vicky, waved his hands, then mimed plucking a tube from his head.
"Oh. That was some, other Rick." Vicky began. "Easy mistake. Smartest men in the world all look quite alike."
"You have inter-dimensional cable. Right?" Morty asked. He knew full well that Rick would wipe his mind if the conversation continued as-is.
"Sure, knock yourself out. Your grandma here has some science work to do. Complicated, Sciencey stuff. Smartest woman in the world stuff. I'm busy."
Morty shrugged and headed into the house. Walking around on automatic he'd gone into the toilet by accident. "Goddam chirality." He muttered to himself.
He found the living room with some difficulty, along with A stocky guy in a cropped t-shirt. Watching TV, lifting weights with one hand and a boba-tea in the other.
"Hey, uh." Morty didn't want to call him 'Man-Summer'.
"Winter." He replied. "You must be Marty. Nice cat ears bro."
"Morty." Morty corrected him. "The cat ears stop me from turning inside out, or something. You watching Interdimensional Cable?"
"Yeah bro." Winter nodded back. "You lift bro?"
"Not... not really... err." Morty took a seat on the sofa.
"Typical Mary." Winter snorted back. "Whatever Bro. Take a seat already."
Morty took a seat and began looking for the remote.
"Bro. I'm watching that, don't be a Meddling Mary." Winter snatched the remote back out of his hands. "Don't skip during the Ads, Ads are the best part Bro."
"Sure. Sure." Morty checked his phone. Another hour or two of this. Still, it wasn't the worst place Rick had left him. There was oxygen to breath this time.
"Holy shit. Are you watching Friends?"
Ok, the second worse place Rick had left him.
"Yeah, it's so weird. People living in a big city Bro." Winter explained, "Totes Rad."
"Ah. Spoilers." Morty lied. "I gotta check on Vicky."
He pushed himself off the couch and headed back to the garage. By now Vicky should be in the middle of a drug hit, and perhaps a bit more up for an adventure.
"Hey, Vicky, Grandma Vicky, um..."
"I told you I was busy Marty. Morty." She didn't look up from her desk.
Morty stopped in his tracks.
She was actually doing science stuff. It didn't look like any of the regular drug paraphernalia he'd seen, she wasn't giggling to herself, and there wasn't a single open bottle of alcohol.
"Fuck are you actually doing something? What the hell."
"Mirror universe. Morty." She burped. "I don't come from some fascist hell hole, don't have that same anti-authoritarian streak your grandfather does. You found Winter, eh?"
"He's watching TV from my universe." Morty took a seat on the other side of the garage. "Jerry... I mean my Dad's favorite back home. Mind if I just wait it out, here?"
"Knock yourself out." Vicky pointed to the corner of the room. "I'll be done in about an hour. There's sedatives there if you're into that."
Morty ignored her suggestion, grabbed a seat, and pulled out his phone.
"Same wifi password?"
"Jeri with an I" Vicky explained. "Jeri space Sucks space 69420 exclamation mark." She burped. "Don't know why Jeff married her."
"Thanks."
Morty closed the several wikipedia tabs on his phone and figured it was a good time to check out the mirror universe version of hentai.
The otherworld hentai was kinda tame, and Morty was dying of boredom. He could still hear Winter in the next room, midway through season three of friends, and Vicky was still methodically doing her non-drug-related science.
As he idly thought about taking a sedative or two, Vicky seemed to have got to a stopping point. Safety goggles off, standing back from her desk with a somewhat smug look on her face.
It was probably the least worst time to ask her a question.
"Hey Vicky. Erm." Morty began. "If you've got a moment."
"What Morty. Lay the pipe already." She began. "Rick texted me about his new bit. I kinda like it, but thought i'd put a bit of a regular universe twist on it. Regular non-fascist universe twist."
Morty just stared back for a moment before asking his question.
"So. Vicky. Um. How come there's infinite Ricks, but you're the first, um..."
"Girl-Rick" She interrupted.
"Yeah, that thing." Morty nodded back. "So, um. How come I've only met one of you?"
"The other Ricks are cowards, Morty!" Vicky began, "I worked out that the depression, the alcohol, they weren't anything to do with my sad back-story or my genius intellect. I mean, look at your Grandfather, he can party on infinite worlds, bring people back to life, and yet, he's still a miserable fuckhead, right?"
Morty nodded along, not entirely following the conversation.
"... but he's still right about his version of Jeri. What's his name? Jerry? He comes up on interdimensional cable sometimes, background of local tv news. He's a good reason to drink, but..."
Vicky stood up and grabbed two bottles from the shelf, and pulled over her seat to face Morty.
"Like I said, the other Ricks are cowards." Vicky sighed, "Always out to prove how much of a man they are, fighting wars on a galactic scale, doing the most science, being the smartest" She took a swig of her bottle and handed one to Morty. "Gotta be the most macho guy, gotta prove it to everyone, because otherwise you might start questioning things."
Morty opened his bottle, and took a long, long drink. It felt like the right moment.
"Questions like, why would the smartest man in the world hate other versions of himself," she continued, "why does the smartest man in the world feel more comfortable hanging out with his daughter and grand-daughter, and treat you and your father like shit. Well, ok, your father's a total piece of crap, but..."
Morty's brain was having a difficult time processing Vicky's argument, but some bits did make sense. Rick did always try to prove himself to other people despite pretending not to care. He did seem to have way more fun hanging out with Beth.
Morty was just missing one rather obvious piece of information. Vicky decided to spit it out.
"Come on. You read tumblr, right?" She burped. "You've read hentai. This shouldn't be as mind-blowing as I make out. I used to be a Rick, but now I'm a Vicky."
"Um." Morty finished his drink. "Sure."
It didn't feel like too much of a leap. Prawn Rick. Axolotl Rick. Horse Rick. Monotreme Rick. It just felt a little strange that he'd only met Girl Rick now.
"I don't know Morty." Vicky sighed, "Maybe your Grandpa isn't like me, but once I'd portaled around a bit, realizing that every other me had a Beth, a Jerry, a Summer, a Marty." Burp. "and Me? I had a Mary. A Jeri. A Winter." Burp, "I figured maybe I needed to change. I don't know. This shit's not easy Morty. Harder than science."
Morty nodded back. He understood that much, at least.
"My therapist says that it's one of the reasons I avoided making attachments. Well, the old me." Vicky smiled. "... but i'm happy now. I still drink, I still party, but I go home with a smile. I don't hate Jeri that much either. Everyone was pretty cool with it. It's not like I turned myself into a pickle. Heh. How stupid would that be. Pickle Vick."
"Pretty stupid."
"Maybe, I think my ex-girlfriend would like that. A real Pickle and a real Pickle lover." She laughed. "Total system. You know, group mind in one body sort of deal."
"Yeah, Grandpa Rick dated a one mind several body girlfriend a few times, well." Morty looked at his empty drink. "He didn't tell me, but it didn't work out. Kinda obvious when you find your Grandpa next to a gun and bullet holes in the wall."
Morty had a lot of thoughts bubbling through his mind, but pushed them to one side.
"Another beer? Or... what about a little adventure?"
"Oh I don't know Morty." Vicky laughed. "Sure you don't want to miss the next episode of Friends?"
"Nah, it's not the same without the lovecraftian horror slowly devouring Ross, or zombie Rachel." Morty laughed. "Friends C137 just sucks ass."
"I know, right." Vicky laughed back. "Seriously though Morty, how about we watch some interdimensional cable while Winter's out at the gym, instead of an adventure?"
"RICK AND MARY! A HUNDRED YEARS OF RICK AND MARY!"
Morty heard Rick's voice before he saw the ship land outside. He was planning on acting nonchalant, but curiosity got the better of him, and he wanted to know what Mary looked like.
"You must be Mirror Universe Marty. Hope you didn't overthrow an elected government while I was out."
"Morty" He explained. "No, I just sat watching cable. No fascism. I promise."
She looked pretty much the same as him. Hair about the same, short, not too long. Stained yellow shirt and jeans. A bit of a tomboy, all things considered. Nothing like the hentai had promised.
While Morty and Mary sized each other up, Rick and Vicky gave each other a stare, and a knowing nod.
Vicky spoke first, pulling Mary away from the ship. "Come on, gotta get you disinfected before you start praising a flag."
"Right, let's get out of here before you implode." Rick grabbed Morty's arm and pushed him into the spaceship. "Thanks Vicky."
Morty didn't say much. He just waved back at his new found grandma. They'd skipped the adventure and just caught up. Sharing stories about his trouble at school, talking his annoying older sister, while she interjected with weird stories about her own adventures.
It had been fun, in the end.
"You have fun? Did Vicky show you her indie video game?" Rick asked, not expecting much of an answer.
"Watched cable for a few hours." Morty sighed. "... and yeah... that was it."
Rick slumped into his chair, realizing Morty was sitting on a truck load of questions.
"Well Morty, it's safe to take off the cat ears now." He burped, "We're back", Burp, "in the regular canon now."
Morty had several questions, but he wanted to know if he could visit Vicky again before anything else. The other questions could wait.
"Hey Rick. Can we, um, visit Vicky again?"
"Yeah Morty. Next beer run. For sure."
Morty nodded back. Maybe now was one of those less bad times to ask a difficult question.
"... and I... erm.. uhh." He reached for the cat ears. It didn't feel right to ask Rick about Vicky while looking like a hentai addicted weeb.
"Rick, I um. I... Rick... um.", Morty stared at his hands, "Cat ears?"
Rick snatched them out of his hands. "Goddam it Morty I told you not to put them on." He burped. "How much do you remember?"
"I.. um..." Morty looked around for clues. The spaceship was packed with assorted bottles of alcohol but that didn't trigger any specific memories.
"They're blackout cat ears morty. Came free with the booze." Burp. "You just had to try them, didn't you?" Rick scowled back.
"I... erm...", Morty looked at his feet. "Sorry Rick."
"Whatever." Rick sighed, "Well, are you still out of it? Or are you up for gatecrashing a war? There's a whole planet of sentient toasters invading the bread constellation. Or there's this sentient train that's laying eggs on Mars. Maybe we could just start an old fashioned race war. What do you say, Morty?"
"I guess, Rick." Morty rubbed his head, remembering something about going on an adventure. "Rick and Morty. Hundred years."
"Race war it is, Morty." Rick began. "Good to be back out having a classic standalone," Burp, "Adventure. Just you, me, and an assortment of characters we won't see again until we run out of ideas."
As Rick talked to himself, Morty pulled out his phone, wondering if it had any clues to what had happened. That, and to clear out the hentai he'd inevitably been scrolling through while under the influence.
"Huh."
"What Morty?" Rick looked over him with suspicion. "That did not sound like a good huh."
"Apparently I was looking up the episode list for Friends."
"You're a," burp, "terrible drunk Morty. Surprised there isn't more hentai on your phone."
Morty closed the tab labeled "Back to the Futa" without making a sound.