There are times i see things in the news that genuinely upset and anger me, and other times i see attrocities beyond comprehension and it doesnt phase me. I already know why, morality to me has always been ephemeral, intangible. I used to think empathy was faked as a social construct, i thought this until i turned 18, not because i was an edgy teen but because i genuinely didnt understand the concept of feeling someone else's emotions by proxy.
This has caused... Issues... In my life. It complicates my life especially because my own goal in life is to love and be loved, a curious goal given what i just wrote above, but love isnt empathy... And im not without emotions, even if many of them feel numb or hollow.
Love is the only emotion ive ever felt that felt vibrant, vivid enough to cut through the hollowness in my heart. Its like spending your whole life on pluto, freezing, starving, barely making it, then suddenly coming to earth, full of color, warmth, light, air and food... But without empathy making connections with others is... Difficult at best, and catastrophic at worst. How catastrophic you may ask? One misstep and i can make enemies for life, or lose whole communities as i have just this year and last because i was trapped, alone, in pain... See i have to fake my empathy, but its not the predatory exercise it sounds like, if it were i wouldnt be talking about it, no i want to feel empathy. Mind you, i want empathy for still selfish reasons, like making connections and for knowledge, a better understanding of others etc, but the point is im not trying to manipulate, im trying to force myself to feel, and sometimes it kind of works.
I may not have this essential piece of cherished humanity that many desire in a partner but i have something else many seem to lack... An expansive, fractal, omnilateral way of viewing causality. What does this mean and why is it good? It means that i can see how my actions benefit myself or others way down the line. Again, why does it matter? Because it helps me to remember to take care of my friends, allies, and lovers as if i did have empathy. How does this happen? Well if you understand the holistic nature of all things you see that if you want something, to keep something or someone in your life, you have to cultivate and nurture that element in your life, preserve and protect it. I can emulate the effect of empathy through logical cause-and-effect alone. It may not carry the sentiment of someone crying with you through tragedy but the result is an ally or lover that cannot, will not, betray you. I am good to those who are good to me, its that simple.
Now relating back to that numbness i originally brought up... The things in the news that boil my blood tend to effect me or my loved ones directly, things like anti-trans bills, book bans, right wing militias attacking pride, literal nazis in actual germany potentially harming antifa protestors because one of my girlfriends attends said protests. But killings, terror attacks, serial killers, rapists etc just bounces right off me. Its not like i dont realize how awful they are, i just... Have no frame if reference for how it affects me, and without that context... I cant emulate that empathy. As i said its not like i dont care on purpose, im trying to care, but my brain just doesnt do it, its wired wrong, a final bitter curse from my mother, who is an honest to gods, unrepentant psychopath.
Thats what the title means, morality isnt intrinsic to all, if i do or say something you find... Reprehensible inherently you must realize, i likely have no context for that, i cant understand the issue without a logical reasoning, which can be hard as morality is nearly totally emotional (an emotional response to perceived wrongdoings). To put a finer point on it, and belabor the point, an appearance of morality and empathy coming from me is often perceived when im in a better headspace, but its just a misperception, its you seeing me trying my best to be something i cant be, its an illusion, smoke and mirrors. It doesnt mean i cant be trusted, it just means.... If you see me struggling to respond emotionally to tragedy after thinking im an ok entity morally initially that disconnect can feel like betrayal and i prefer everyone have an accurate idea of how i think. This misperception of morality or empathy causes others to think ive flipped on a dime to being evil the moment my mind is under too much emotional strain, causing... Losses in my life. I feel if i make this deficiency known, maybe i can mitigate, or at least frontload the losses before i become too attached... Because as cold as i can be, i do grow attached to others, i love powerfully, i just dont feel much else.
