Circumstance, bad luck, neurodivergence pushing one in certain ways, these feel like curses that scar the future and make opportunity, happiness, and fulfillment drain through ones fingers.
Because of my living conditions my relationships never seem to go anywhere, we never... "Get close" enough because visiting is impossible. But thats my fault i suppose, its my fault i cant change my circumstances because i dont want to risk death. Its my fault, its always my fault. They find someone newer, better, someone they want more, someone they can see or touch. I may as well be an AI chatbot that sleeps.
Im seemingly never chosen, im often easily forgotten, and as a creature of severe need it often leaves me... Bereft of joy, laying awake at night, silently crying so im not heard, tears streaming down and staining my pillow as i try to force myself to sleep, hopingthe chemicals in my mind will be kind and make enough dopamine to make me not feel so worthless, so guilty, so alone.
Therln there are the days i think about my gun, its individual components, the shape of the bullets, and sometimes it calms me down. I like weapons, and they often make me feel at peace, but as i feel more attuned to love and positivity i find my desire for weaponry waning, and finding sources of that love and positivity just isnt as simple as making composition C, or blackpowder.
So as i approach an upswing in my mood i lay in bed i pray to all of my gods that the upswing isnt just for today, that i dont need even stronger antidepressants. I just want to be enough, to be loved the way i love, unconditional, boundlessly.
I want to be enough.