A twitch, a joint that needs popping near constantly, little actions i suppress to fool others into thinking im human so i can move in their society. Occasionally i look into the eyes of one and they have this look of terror, like they can see the horror i am, crammed into this ill-fitting body.
The twitches and popping dont feel psychological in their root, they feel physical, like a soul incompatible with its host, or like a creature taking up too much room in the human its possessing.
I itch and roll my shoulders feeling my shirt giving sensory issues, but it isnt my shirt, so i check my hair, but its not that either. Then i remember... its my skin.
I cant describe just how wrong i feel in this meat suit, how inhuman, how out of place in the world i feel. I often meet others who are non-humans and they feel incredibly human to me, like its just an aspiration to be something else. This isnt a criticism, wanting to be a non-human seems noble to me, but they carry human instincts and behaviors with them, and it makes me wonder exactly how... Different i am, and if there is anything like me in the world. Its isolating.
When being primed for capitalism in school it seemed like common sense to reject the notion. "Surely they dont expect me to think work ethic and personal sacrifice for the nebulous concept of society to be good, right?" But they really did, and worse they seemed to believe it themselves. They taught it with an earnest desperation like they needed me to believe it, or their life meant nothing.
When others cry i cant seem to cry with them, or feel anything, so i frown and feign empathy. Inside though, im running calculations. "How does this affect me? If i act like i have an emotional response with they like that? Can i tell them the truth about how i think?" And so on. I often dont even gave it in me to be distressed when my own life is in danger. I dont even have much of an addictive response to drugs. Its like its all incompatible stimuli.
So as i twitch, and pop, and snarl under my breath, and hunger for more and more nutrients seemingly out of need to keep this body from falling apart under the weight of the strain i put it, i am struggling to keep myself in.
Its involuntary, its uncomfortable, its unnatural. This body is like an ill-fitting suit, barely containing my mass, and it constantly feels like it'll melt if i dont feed it blood.