There is a lot of advice and theory about playing TTRPGs. Principles of play have become part of this and you can find them in most rpgs nowadays. "Always be a fan of the players" is a popular one, "Draw Maps fill blank spaces", etc.
I put forth that the foremost principle, the prime directive of being a player is this:
You have to care.
This is going to seem obvious, but it is also the number one reason I consider booting people from my table. Care comes in a lot of forms. Caring about your character, the world, the story being told means you are going to take things seriously. That you are going to invest yourself in things. One of the worst experiences you can have at a table is when it goes around to a player who is just there and you all just have to...
"yep, okay so here's what we all just did while you were spacing out." "oh, yeah you charge in and attack? alright who are you attacking? that guy... yeah he has a name, he has been in the last ten sessions."
i think this all goes without saying. but for me, personally, it also comes into play outside of the session. when you have players who just stop existing outside of sessions, who never think about it. and i'm not saying you need to be sending me backstories and conspiring with me about future plots- i love it when you do. but that's not what i'm asking for...
i have had multiple games where i have known that certain players will show up and have completely forgotten to do their downtime. they won't have leveled up or thought at all about how they want to proceed. i have had someone show up and they just didnt make a new character until 10 minutes before the game, giving me nothing to prep as far as introducing them. and then... i have seen. so many goddamn sessions where players haven't opened the rulebook. ever. just "okay I want to dodge his attack i guess... how do i do that?"
it's beyond disheartening. i have talked before about the unrealistic expectations placed on the gm: storyteller, moderator, facilitator, amateur game designer, arbitrator, host. since i started recording my games i can see how much more i talk than my players. and i think its imperative we push back against this. that all this work isn't just placed on one person because it is exhausting. and if players aren't caring about what you are doing together, caring about what they are doing, then they also aren't showing care for you. because now you have to carry a heavier load.
in board games there's the term "quarterbacking" which is where someone tries to take your term for you. this comes up in ttrpgs all the time too and i horrible form. (a brief aside: a good rule for your table is to never have anyone say "you should do this" and instead wait for someone to ask for aid in figuring out their move. or to voice requests "i really need healing" or "hey i am set up for flanking if anyone wants to get in on this"- rather than stating "this is the best use of your turn") and what i am describing is a cousin to that, but rather than having someone else intrude on your turn telling you what to do- you've got players who just lay there and need you to drag them across the finish line.
so... what can be done? it's hard because you can't make someone care. and some people really like this kind of "laid back" style of play. but the issue is you've essentially created the environment of a classroom where someone can fuck around, never do the homework, and face no repercussions. so let's talk steps.
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fucking talk to your players
i nearly didn't put this because its so obvious, and i would assume people would start with it. but i've heard enough nightmare gm stories and seen enough doomed relationships. go talk to players you are having problems with and let them know the expectations. some people will respond well to you taking the time to talk to them if you also show care. express how their attitude puts more on you and that's not fair. however there are those that will chafe at you placing any expectations on them- for that there's... -
find a different way to hang with them
a rather common refrain with careless players is that they don't really care about the game, they just like hanging with their friends. they are here to vibe. personally, i think you should be legally allowed to break their legs- but this is an article on care, so this is my alternative. if they wanna hang out, let them. find other places for them to hang with the group, let them stay in the discord. fuck, i've had people who would come to sessions and just be there to vibe. if you wanna involve them then like throw to them when you have a shopkeep or other minor npc they can take over while playing switch in the corner. it's totally fine that they don't wanna play a game but still wanna be around their friends. -
the carrot
this is my go-to option. i will add more stuff relevant to that player character. bring in their plotlines and highlight the things they are good at. give them a session or two where they get the chance to shine. if you are lucky this can get them to re-engage and give a damn. but other times you will get that same lack of care. "who is that?" "why are we doing this?" or worse, they will engage for their plotlines and then immediately check out when the other players get their chance.
what not to do? the stick
this is a headspace i need to get out of. game design has taught us incentives work better than punishments, i know this. but going back to the slacker in the classroom example, sometimes you need punishments to provide structure. unfortunately when people ask "why should i care" the answer they need is "because it will adversely affect you if you don't". did they forget to level up between sessions again? that's fine, let them keep playing at their old level. they don't get to steal everyone else's time because they didn't do the homework. the problem here is the problem with all punishment- it doesn't address shit, it's just being vindictive. when you are thinking up ways to actively make the experience worse for a player, you are the one who isn't showing care.
and if you really get this far, where you've spoken to that player, where you've tried to address things, and they still aren't showing up?
kick them.
one of the hardest lessons you will need to learn in life is that you can't fucking please everyone. you can't include everyone. and that self care isn't selfish. if including someone in your life, or at your table, is causing more problems and stress than its worth and they aren't willing to do the work? then they don't get to be included.