This morning I am three things: Exhausted, Scared, and Upset.
Forgive me, because I need to vent a little bit about the current state of the internet (and beyond) with regard to issues of blatant and glaring transphobia. I'm putting it all behind a cut here, so that you can read this message and decide if you want to see that (My experience with the content warnings is that they blend in a little too well with the NSFW art tags, even with additional text, so forgive me if I go a little off-guideline here. I don't want someone opening this up and getting a face full of these ramblings when they were expecting a spicy picture.)
I'm going to talk about the fucking wizard game.
I don't need to delve into why supporting the game is harmful. More people who are more experienced and more nuanced in their language than I have done that with elegant precision. Needless to say, it has been well established the real, active damage that this brand, this game, and this creator do to trans people (and beyond). I don't entertain any concept of debate on this topic.
What's been a shocking gut punch to me in the last few days are the roiling reports of how "innocent streamers" are being harassed for choosing to engage with the game. How they don't deserve this treatment, because they are simply playing a popular game, and how dare anyone ever have a problem with that?
First, let's dissolve any semblance of innocence that can go along with some of the absolutely largest names in streaming and VTubing putting this game on their schedule. They are not ignorant of the harm this game causes. They are not blind to the impact it will have on marginalized people when they do so. That they choose to use the excuse "It's just a game" as a layer of ablative armor between them and responsibility does not absolve them of that responsibility. And I don't believe for a second that they were unaware of the implications of playing the game on stream. They simply chose to interpret those implications, not as active harm to a group that already gets a disproportionate quantity of hate, but instead as an annoyance to their person because of the discomfort they might experience being confronted with the hate they are supporting. The idea of "I don't want to acknowledge the harm I'm doing, therefore you are a bully" is shockingly depressing to me.
It tells me what the larger attitude in this world is.
It tells me that my life and my rights, and the life and rights of others like me, are only worth as much as they don't cause "normal" folks discomfort.
I think a similar quantity has been said, and more eloquently, about how utterly depressing it is to see support from 'allies' evaporate in the face of a video game they want to play. I won't relitigate that.
What I will point out is how disheartening - how terrifying it is, that any attempt to speak on this topic in support of trans people and their rights is immediate framed as bullying, mob justice, or cult behavior.
How the real tragedy here isn't that trans people in various US states are being forcibly detransitioned, or how an active campaign of anti-trans legislation is gaining support in the US in part due to JKR's shitty support, or even how the fucking New York Times are publishing support articles for a monumental transphobe (and in so doing sway the opinions of millions). No, none of that is a tragedy. And the knock on effects that will happen later? The real violence, hate, and increased marginalization? No, those aren't tragedies, either.
The tragedy is that a streamer got upset for supporting all that.
It makes me so scared for the future. Because it's fucking insane! It's insane!!
Like, obviously harassment of any stripe is awful, and no one deserves it. Trans people know this more than most! One of my favorite streamers suffered no less than three hate raids in a single week, where someone bypassed almost all of Twitch's (insufficient) protective measures to tell her to kill herself on stream. That's not condemned. That never gets attention. That's just called "The cost of doing business on Twitch".
But when a group of marginalized people are told "You don't matter. You don't matter even one bit to us. You don't even matter so much as to pass over one video game for the literal thousands of others I might be playing", when those people are told "I understand that giving a platform to this game, enabling this creator, and broadcasting this content will cause actual harm and I don't care", that's not disgusting. That's not even blinked at.
No. That's all fine. However, when people fight back against that active harm? That's what's unacceptable.
Push all the trans people into a corner. Harass them with death threats. Tell them they're mentally ill. Drive them to the edge of survival. Then have the gaul to say you've done nothing wrong when you give a bullhorn to one of the largest proponents of their extermination.
. . .
I don't know. I don't have answers.
I just see this world telling me to kill myself, that I'm worth less than a mediocre and forgettable video game, and that if I do anything to defend myself that I'm the real monster.
It's times like this that I'm reminded of just how utterly alone I am. It's times like this that I realize my transition will probably never progress to a point where I can be comfortable in my own body, and stop hating myself. Because if I ever get there, I'll just get fucking slaughtered or pushed into poverty, and society will view that as my fault for trying to fix my dysphoria.
I don't have answers.
I just have fear.
