I don't think this needs a content warning, but it does contain a discussion of trans stuff - and maybe a bit of transphobia - so I'll at least put it under a cut.
I recently came out to my mom, after basically a lifetime of knowing that I wanted to be a girl. Recently like, a week ago.
To say I'm a late bloomer is an understatement. I don't think anyone needs to hear my life story when it comes to my egg cracking, as it were, but for me it was less a single moment, and a gradual understanding that there was actually a name for what I felt. But I always figured that discovery was academic. Yeah, I wanted to be a girl. Really bad! Yeah, I hated my body. A whole lot! Yeah, most of my fantasies all involved becoming a genie girl. Constantly! But I always told myself "Who cares, you can't get what you want, and you'll never have an opportunity to transition because it's too late, you don't have the resources, and it'll destroy your education/career if you try". It was very much the kind of thinking that was born from a lifetime of a "Life has to suck, that's just how it is" attitude.
Anyway.
I chose a nice place for us to have a picnic, brought some sandwiches and a salad, vibrated with anxiety through the entire meal - and then finally told her I was a girl, and transgender. And that I've been on HRT for years already.
My mom was super supportive in the moment. Very much supportive. She said she only wanted to support me, and that she loved me no matter what. And it was a relief - A total relief. So many people don't get that kind of a response. I should be overwhelmed with happiness! It should be a weight off my mind, and my very soul.
But since that day, well...
I don't know. She makes it very clear that she doesn't understand any of this. I've tried to explain it slowly, repeatedly, and I know I will have to continue to do so. I provided her with a fairly current "Trans 101" book to answer her questions and familiarize her with terminology.
But I'm still getting deadnamed. I'm still getting the wrong pronouns when she talks about me. I'm still getting this overwhelming sense of sadness from her whenever I talk to her now. So much of what she talks about is "The little boy that she raised", and how "When [I was] growing up, there were never any signs!" and how, "Back then you might've just thought you were gay".
She's not doing anything outside of what a cis parent would be expected to do, I guess. "There were never any signs" is practically center square on the "Coming Out To Your Parents" Bingo card. And I realize it'll take time, and patience. And hopefully when I start to take steps at work (Which is it's own hurdle in its own right, woof) it'll become more obvious to her.
But there's something about the way she's taking all of this. Asking me about things like "So when will you fully transition?" Or talking about the trans woman she saw at the grocery store who was "A man wearing a dress and full makeup". Or when I was talking about how difficult it would be to tell my father, she just gently said "Maybe you never have to" - Which reads a lot like "Stay in the closet for the rest of your life".
Putting that all together with the misgendering and deadnaming, and it just feels like she's just... not accepting this as real. Like she's expecting I'll fold on this and everything's going to go back to exactly how it used to be. Like, to her, I'm not legitimately trans, that couldn't be a thing.
And the fucked up thing is that when I feel her sadness and confusion, it just overwhelms my own thinking, my own emotions. I care for my mom deeply, and we've had an extremely good relationship for decades. Her lack of embracing it makes me feel like I am a fraud. Her treating my coming out as if I were terminally ill or something makes me feel like I've done something wrong. She won't call me her daughter despite my saying "Hey, I'm a girl!", and I'm not sure if that's because this all takes time, or if she just never will. Again, she's been really supportive! Moreso than most! But... I can feel her pain and how upset this has made her, and how she's hiding it behind a facade.
I'm not sure I can do this.
And if I can't do this, I don't know if I can do anything else, honestly.
