I've long since been fascinated by the ability to use technology to approach an idealized self that would otherwise be impossible. In the early years, this was all largely accomplished via text in shared worlds like MU*s and the like. These days there are tremendous options for a person to pursue a self that they more fully identify with - Most notably, digital avatars as actual body substitutes within certain interactive spheres.
I think about that a whole lot.
(Vent/Ramble under the cut)
Obviously one of the primary methods of accessing such a self is VR. There's something unparalleled about the movement of your own body being mirrored by a self that's more comfortable, and honestly full body tracking in a VR environment is the way to achieve that. I don't deny that it's stunning when it all comes together, but one has to confess that it takes a lot of moving parts aligning correctly to make it all work. Even if we ignore the hardware side of things, the ability to use that hardware is limited - and let's be honest - the options available aren't superb.
One offshoot of digital avatar projection tech that's simultaneously less hardware-demanding, and additionally provides unique environments for such an experience, would be streaming. We've seen a boom (and perhaps have past the crest) in Vtubing, obviously, but other lower tech options are available (the so-called PNGtubers). In these circumstances, platforms are a bit more open and freeform. You have only a few options, it's true, but those options appear to be more open and accessible. Nevertheless, in this circumstance, one requires a unique element that otherwise is not a consideration: An audience.
There's plenty to discuss about both of these approaches, but some specific points keep poking in my head.
First, both options only exist by the good graces of gigantic corporations, and the encroachment of VC investors and meddling executives can be seen nibbling at the periphery already. Twitch and Youtube are the largest streaming platforms that any aspiring streamer might employ, and both are starting to show signs of corporate rot at this point. Youtube's crackdown on adblocking and Twitch's frankly bonkers rollout of AI assisted corporate boosterism are both concerning developments. Beyond that, both platforms have injected advertisement into the viewing experience so heavily that it has made some experiences borderline unwatchable. This puts streamers into a challenging position, where they want to provide the best viewing experience for their viewers, but also need to abide by the policies and unchallengeable "features" of the platforms they operate on.
VR is not immune to this aspect of corporate meddling, either. VRChat's latest "paid subscription" system, and their emphasis on 'The Creator Economy' should be red flags to anyone who uses that platform. VRC is employing typical scummy obfuscation techniques that are known to be shitty, mostly in the shape of currency exchange and obtuse conversion rates. Obviously this is under the pretense of assisting creators in VRC, that they might get compensated for their work more easily, natively within the program. This is, ostensibly, so reduce friction on the part of the player - It's much easier to click a button while you have VRCbux in your wallet than it is to sign up for a Patreon subscription. But make no mistake about it - This is a harbinger of far worse problems on the horizon. What are payment processors going to think about some of the more NSFW elements of VRC, particularly when those elements are pay to play? What's going to happen with branding? What's going to happen with ripped models being used as avatars? Will Microsoft allow people to run around as Master Chief? Particularly when they know that money's on the table at this point, and they might be able to sell their own Master Chief avatar? Furthermore, note that VRC's new economic system is explicitly a subscription service. You are not buying anything. You are renting something. You are renting a virtual good.
This isn't to say that either of these platforms are doomed, or tainted, or unsuitable, but it highlights a larger point that I find concerning in the context of digital identity and digital bodies:
Your ability to exercise your digital self in these realms is always going to be controlled by, and entangled with, the platforms themselves. And the corporations and companies that run them. That's kind of shitty.
A second point that I've been mulling over is that one of the most potent and powerful elements of inhabiting a digital body is interaction. I very much like being my preferred self - That is, a vixen genie - but I already know who and what I am. Again, I like being that self, but being that self in a vacuum is somewhat limiting and stunted when measured against what these more modern options provide. Namely: The ability and the willingness of others to recognize you for the self you prefer.
Wether you are stepping into a VR environment, or streaming with a digital avatar of some stripe, people have already bought in to accepting your identity from the word go. Of course, there are exceptions to everything, but this acceptance is almost the price of entry for either of these options. If you were to start streaming as a Vampire Puppygirl from Mars, or walk into a VRC club as an Overclocked Robotic Goblin, people aren't going to generally greet you with "UM ACTUALLY, YOU'RE A HUMAN BEING" - Because that'd be fucking absurd. The audience/co-inhabitants are there for the conceit, it's a part of the world they're seeking, or at least, seeking to peer into.
And that's what makes these digital avatar experiences so fun! I can't step outside right now as my preferred gender without someone insisting that, no, I'm not who I say I am. But if I wanted to slap on my VR headset, I could be who I want to be without that even being an issue.
And good heavens, have I thought long and hard about both routes. Like, I've thought a whole hell of a lot about both routes. But I fear I just can't pay the price of entry.
My own misgivings about VRC are on public display, so I won't reiterate them. The issues I spoke about above just make me even more uncomfortable on this topic, and I can't see the platform being friendly to the lay-user for much longer. Beyond that, add some serious real-life trouble that a friend of mine is dealing with thanks to a VRC relationship they made and... Yeah, I'm a little sour on that platform.
Streaming? Yeah, I've thought about it. A lot. More than a lot. A tremendous amount. It's a really happy thing to think about for me, honestly. But I know I couldn't make it work.
Do people really need another stream in their already bloated follow list? When could I even do it? I find it challenging to watch the streams I already do, let alone stream myself - That'd require me streaming opposite people I don't want to miss. Beyond that, who would even want to watch if I did? What new do I bring to the table? I certainly don't bring skill or personality. I could bring some amount of lore, but goodness - Now we're talking about how to weave that into things, and that'd require all manner of assets. What about a stream overlay? The dozens of programs that are necessary to get a stream running smoothly, some of which require access to your account? What about streaming equipment? Or the fact that there's a lot of noise where I live? Or just the fact that I'd have a tremendous challenge just sticking to a schedule, give my work hours and the things I need to do after work to prepare for work the next day.
So, I guess... that's not going to work either.
I've tried to find a way to embrace a digital representation of my ideal self for so long. I've attempted to commission a 3D avatar of myself on no less than three occasions - And each time, the bottom fell out eventually (Note: Because for some reason every person I've tried to commission has accepted the commission and then almost immediately suffered a tremendous personal tragedy). I did order a PNGTuber, with a bevy of emotions, and I'm so happy with how it turned out! I ordered a stream deck to control my PNGTuber more easily, and even pedals to make it even easier.
But all I've found to do is load it up and talk to myself. Which makes me feel happy. Really happy, honestly! Seeing a me that bounces up and down in time with my words, that shows emotion, and is arguably a very, very good depiction of the me I want to be is extremely powerful! At the same time, doing that way is a solitary and isolated experience. And that isn't quite the intent is, right?
Overall, I keep looking for a way to be myself, embrace myself, and enjoy being myself - specifically with others - and yet it feels like all avenues are closed. I don't have the necessary buy-in on any of this, even if we're just talking about having an appropriate digital avatar - Nevermind the time, resources, and talent to leverage it appropriately. But even beyond that, do I want my more idealized self tangled up with a corporate owned platform that will necessarily leverage me to advertise at the expense of the connection I'm trying to make? Or exist within a realm that is actively exploiting users via nickel and dime policies, with a likely future crackdown in an attempt to sanitize their environment so that they further monetize it?
No good answers, it seems.
I'd subsume myself back into the MU*s, honestly, if I had the time.


