
Hi! I'm Phorm, and I'm a Vixdjinn!

I'm a genie girl, who really likes being a genie, and really likes everything about genies (really)! I'm a bit confused, lost, and trying to find my way, but I always enjoy interacting with folks here. (Trans🏳️⚧️, occasionally NSFW, Be 18+ or please be gone.)

See here for the Genie Lore Index!
Profile Art credit to CinnamonSpots!
Avatar by DVixie
Banner image by BlackShirtBoy
queer spaces are for everyone, not just "squeaky clean" model queers that had adequate support from a young age. you are no less deserving of community, for having to settle for survival when you were denied opportunities to thrive
It's less that I worry about meeting some arbitrary standard of purity, and more that my appearance and demeanor necessarily are threatening to a vulnerable population - specifically because of the stink of cis eteronormativity on me.
This is not a matter of people saying "You must be this queer to enter", it's a matter of marginalized and disadvantaged people rightly feeling extremely scared of me because I wear the face and move within the privilege of their oppressors.
It's a survival instinct, and shame on me for ever making anyone feel so at risk
if other queers have an aversion to the mask you had to wear, justified or not, that's prejudice. it is neither bad or good, merely neutral, and indeed not everyone deserves admission to every space. but the whole premise of queerness and radical inclusion is that you—yes, you, the girl reading this, unironically—have value and deserve to have a space where you are welcome. i think it's uncharitable to assume that you will be categorically denied compassion and queer self-id on the basis that you pass for cishet.
i think that your perception of this vague and mystical "cishet stink" is the result of a hypersensitive nose, exacerbated by a chronic allergy to cisheteronormativity; and that allowing yourself to belong in a queer space will be a recalibrating breath of fresh air
As a fellow cog? I hope you can find a space. And as the other comments have said, this post is exactly why you deserve one.
Thank you.
As I said above, it's less my worrying about purity standards, and more about my knowing I'm rightly identified as a threat.
I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, let alone people who are already marginalized or vulnerable.
That's why the stink of heteronormative culture on me is a problem
These aren't the words of a hollow core or a functional cog. They're the words of someone who desperately wants this situation to change. There's a defiant mind, body, and spirit in there that wants to attain that which they've been cruelly denied all this time. It's not that there's "nothing left" It's that there's a person with just enough love for themself to understand that they deserve BETTER than there being "nothing left." ...which means there is something beautiful and vivacious there after all.
I understand that statement about not being comfortable in cisheteronormative spaces. I also understand the statement about having too much of their "stink" on you to truly belong in queer spaces. It took me about 35 years of my life to finally stop hiding from and begin to explore the fact that I wasn't cis. It's only been in about the last 5 years that I've been undertaking the journey to find out who and what I actually am, based on the context cues of my thoughts and behavior in the past. Abuse in school, largely psychological but it did dip into physical on occasion, messed me up fiercely. It made me feel that I had to conform in every way imaginable down to the smallest behavioral detail or risk harm being brought upon myself by those around me. It became a hyper-awareness of my surroundings at all times that locked me into constant anxiety. And after I got to a place, not where I was AWAY or OUTSIDE of that overwhelming cisheteronormative space, but simply able to hide from it for an extended amount of time... I started to explore queer spaces and see if I could find something worthwhile there. There was definitely something worthwhile there, but I also noticed that "stink." I felt that I was far too cis/hetero to ever exist in queer spaces not only without being SEEN as "other" but also without the fear of harming someone in those spaces with my "backwardness."
Our trauma marinated brains lie to us. Constantly. They make us feel the certainty of something which is in fact not reality, even though there are those who believe it IS reality in a POSITIVE light, and a reality which must be cruelly enforced to either make the undesirables conform or make them cease to be. It is a lie told by the most heartless and cruel "people" through abuse and trauma to convince our vulnerable brains to enforce the chains of their backwards worldview upon us. It is a lie when they say it, and it is a lie when our brains say it.
In this world, there are no queers without "lasting damage." And having that damage does not invalidate your worth of being loved and held in esteem by your fellows. There are no queers who feel like they "belong" in queer spaces. It feels like existing within that community is something unearned and undeserved. The only way that any queers begin to change those feelings and begin to battle against the lies that our brains inundate us with, is by exposing ourselves to those within queer spaces and opening ourselves up to both the possibility of experiencing discomfort and a feeling of lack of worth compared to others, and the possibility of experiencing a love and kindness that may also feel "unearned" and/or "undeserved."
Love is, I believe, the only endless and boundless thing to exist within reality as a whole. There is enough there within anyone to feel it towards another. It does not matter what circumstances the other has been subjected to. How unworthy of that love they may believe themselves to be. They are always worthy of it. And always will be. It is only with the repeated exposure to that love that a queer person can gain an understanding of just how prevalent the lies their brain is telling them are... and eventually, just how deserving of that love they are. As everyone is. Unconditionally.
I have love for you as a person because you deserve it as does everyone. I have love for you as a person because its warmth has been wrongly denied to you for so long, just as it is to all queers. I have love for you as a person because I recognize myself within you and my own lack of self love that has brought me so much pain. You are loved both because you are YOU and because you are ALL OF US.
Do not let your brain lie to you about a lack of worth or belonging in queer spaces because you do not meet some perceived requirement of homogenaity to be allowed within that space. That is an idea, a FALSEHOOD, that cisheteronormativity has poisoned our brains with. There is no "right way" to be queer. There is no mold to fit into. We all FEEL that we carry that stink but it is and always will be a lie. Please find love for yourself. And if you can't yet, trust in the love that others show you as something that is REAL and DESERVED. If your brain makes it difficult or painful to try and trust yourself on this, trust the rest of us instead, until you make it to a place where you can feel the warmth of your own love of yourself. Regardless, you ARE loved and you DESERVE that love, and neither of those facts will ever cease to be true.
Love you pal. Take care, please <3
I'm lacking spoons to reply to you in full, but I at least want to acknowledge that I see you words, I read them, and I take them to heart. Thank you.
I'm not as optimistic about myself as you are, but I appreciate you tremendously.
Yes, I know you're not as optimistic. That's a common thing for us. Do let yourself be held up by other's belief in you though. That belief is not misplaced despite what your brain may say. Take care Phorm, I hope you feel better in the coming hours and days <3
I always, always thought of myself as a straight-acting bi and it's only been in being around friends who are queer and have felt comfortable defining and re-defining themselves that I realize that a lot of that behavior and presentation was informed by fear. Of family, of society, even of friend groups from college and post-grad that were progressive in theory but I've never been anything but restrained around.
I don't think I'll ever present as clearly (queerly) as some friends. I admire the ones who can be openly queer because of their environment or their confidence.
But being around those people has made it easier to be a little more easily perceived as queer. Queer joy does find a way.
That's a heartening thing to hear. I would hope such a thing as queer joy does exist. I would hope it can thrive without vicious reprisal.
I worry that the stench that clings to me, the appearance and privilege I've wrapped myself in, is rightly identified as a threat to such marginalized and vulnerable queers. I don't want to hurt them any more than they already are, knowing how ingrained it is inside me.