Phorm The Vixdjinn

hug

i don't really understand the groupchat thing. you wouldn't expect someone to hang out at a bar or arcade or other physical space 24/7 to lay claim to its group identity or belong in its community, would you? i can understand the compulsion to want to catch up on all 5000 messages, because i have that compulsion myself, so i won't comment on that. if your experience with them has been cliquiness and direct exclusion and hostility then i'm sorry you had such an awful time searching for community. mine have been more akin to, lurking as a wallflower for a long time until i understand the vibes and then slowly increasing my interactions as i figure out how to do so as myself. i still feel like an outsider and an alien sometimes, but what i have is at least able to keep me going.

working yourself to the bone until you die without ever getting to express yourself sounds very bleak, and not sweet, to me. i don't want to imply that finding or starting a community is the only way to counteract that, but having friends you can be vulnerable with and who can help you out—with your problems and exasperations, with finding nice communities, with finding energy within yourself when it feels like it has all been taken away from you and ground into dust—is a huge boon for struggles like that, or at least i feel like it is to me. idk if you are accepting applications for friends at this time, but if you are i'd like to give it a shot :)

I think of you often, and fondly when I'm not logged in. You don't disappear when out of sight. Object permanence delights me with continued knowledge of your existence and you have made my own existence better for your being. You make me smile, and you make me think, and you make me marvel at how special this world is to have blessed me with knowing someone like you.

The mind is a box; at the best of times a safe refuge to hide from harm, at the worst, a prison of hopelessness. So often our minds treat us poorly, and I feel the world would be such a better place if we could invite each other out of one's own mind and into another. Into a place where they could be inundated by the warm feeling we get when we think of them. Where the appreciation and care for them is manifest. We can't do that however, so you are unaware at how deeply you are ingrained in the hearts of many, a wonderfully positive part of another person's life. Your mind tells you that you don't belong, but here you are in mine as proof of belonging. Perhaps those whose minds you reside fondly in seem too disparate to be a group... but that group's common denominator is you.

When a person's mind lies to them it's hard to call it a lie because it's integral to who we are. Our thinky part. But it can lie. In your case it lies to you about who you are, what people think of you, and your intrinsic value. I'm not a psych doc (obvious from me saying "thinky part") so I don't know what advice to give when that happens... but try to remember the words I've typed here when it lies to you, and know that I'm thinking of you fondly. Take care Phorm, you deserve the comfort of your desired self and opportunity to thrive <3

Sent you an email, seemed like the best call at the moment. I hope you're doing alright Phorm, those are some very heavy thoughts... One's I've had before. If you want to chat, we can chat. You are not alone.