Back in 2006, I remember being very excited for the upcoming mech game Chromehounds. I was, and still remain, a pretty big fan of big stompy robot games, and at the times Chromehounds seemed like a promising mech sim game that had an interesting online mode - A persistent, ongoing conflict where each online skirmish had an impact.
Even before release, people were pretty hyped up for the online campaign mode. There was a lot of chatter on forums and such: people already planning out which faction to join, forging teams and such. I remember that, back then, the gaming forum I poked around on put down plans to make a clan. In the buildup, I got pretty into it myself, reading news, learning about mechanics, and generally thinking about how I was going to participate in the game.
Then the game released.
And I never played it.
Sure, I had my physical copy of the game. And I did run through the tutorial once. Or twice. Or three times. But when it came time to jump in, participate, and enjoy the game... I just froze up.
Something paralyzed me whenever I thought about jumping in. A lot of this had to do with my working quite a lot at the time - I was in lab so much, I couldn't really spend the amount of time that other people did in the game. Before I knew it, I was falling behind. I hadn't even started, but I was already reading about people already shifting strategies, saying tactics were 'outdated', being frustrated with new players dragging down the game.
I was convinced that I would be dead weight. That I couldn't catch up. That if I jumped in I would worsen the experience for everyone else, because I was so far behind and so unskilled. So I never played it online, never enjoyed it with others, and just convinced myself that this was how it was supposed to be. That I was improving the overall experience by excluding myself.
This would not be the last time I would have these feelings, and have this experience, with a game. I can think of several modern games I own (because I was excited to play with others) and never have participated in (because I why would I ever subject others to me).
Indeed, this attitude would extend beyond games. And carry on to this day.


