PhormTheGenie

Vixen. Genie. Vixdjinn!

Hi! I'm Phorm, and I'm a Vixdjinn!

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I'm a genie girl, who really likes being a genie, and really likes everything about genies (really)! I'm a bit confused, lost, and trying to find my way, but I always enjoy interacting with folks here. (Trans🏳️‍⚧️, occasionally NSFW, Be 18+ or please be gone.)

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Back in 2006, I remember being very excited for the upcoming mech game Chromehounds. I was, and still remain, a pretty big fan of big stompy robot games, and at the times Chromehounds seemed like a promising mech sim game that had an interesting online mode - A persistent, ongoing conflict where each online skirmish had an impact.

Even before release, people were pretty hyped up for the online campaign mode. There was a lot of chatter on forums and such: people already planning out which faction to join, forging teams and such. I remember that, back then, the gaming forum I poked around on put down plans to make a clan. In the buildup, I got pretty into it myself, reading news, learning about mechanics, and generally thinking about how I was going to participate in the game.

Then the game released.

And I never played it.

Sure, I had my physical copy of the game. And I did run through the tutorial once. Or twice. Or three times. But when it came time to jump in, participate, and enjoy the game... I just froze up.

Something paralyzed me whenever I thought about jumping in. A lot of this had to do with my working quite a lot at the time - I was in lab so much, I couldn't really spend the amount of time that other people did in the game. Before I knew it, I was falling behind. I hadn't even started, but I was already reading about people already shifting strategies, saying tactics were 'outdated', being frustrated with new players dragging down the game.

I was convinced that I would be dead weight. That I couldn't catch up. That if I jumped in I would worsen the experience for everyone else, because I was so far behind and so unskilled. So I never played it online, never enjoyed it with others, and just convinced myself that this was how it was supposed to be. That I was improving the overall experience by excluding myself.

This would not be the last time I would have these feelings, and have this experience, with a game. I can think of several modern games I own (because I was excited to play with others) and never have participated in (because I why would I ever subject others to me).

Indeed, this attitude would extend beyond games. And carry on to this day.


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in reply to @PhormTheGenie's post:

The anxiety is real and I can relate to it so, so much. I struggle to play games I otherwise absolutely love like Splatoon because I worry that I'll let down my teammates if I do.

That said, I did play a bunch of Chromehounds during its short lifespan and it's a shame that it is, to date, basically the only game like it that I've ever played, so it's a real shame that game went the way it did :<

Yeah, Splatoon is a REALLY big one of these games for me. I own every single one, but I've never played them in earnest online. There are some streamers I really like who play open lobby, and I've always wanted - but never had the courage - to play with them.

I'm also pretty sad that nothing quite like Chromehounds was ever made again. It did seem like such a cool game, and I feel like something like that would play really well these days.

Also, I'm so sorry that the anxiety is in any way familiar to you. It's... unpleasant, to say the least. And alienating.