One of the problems I deal with on a constant basis is dysphoria. There are a whole lot of reasons that I hate my body, not the least of which is that it regularly feels as if my body hates me much more. But beyond physical and health issues, there's a serious disconnect between who I am and how I was born. Obviously this isn't anything new - It's mostly about gender, and it's mostly been something I've been living with for decades. I've only really snapped to the reality that I can do something about it in the past few years, and progress on that front is slow for a variety of reasons. That's not really what I want to talk about, though. It's just background to help preface this topic.
(Note in advance: This is a longish and unfocused ramble. I'm mostly introspectively venting.)
Virtual bodies have been a tremendous haven for me - a refuge and a source of comfort and joy. Even in their most "primitive" shapes, I've been inhabiting what one might call a virtual body for well over 20 years. In the early days on through to today, that body was one borne of imagination and words - Textual representations of myself. I've probably written more descriptions of my ideal body and appearance than any other (non-chemistry) topic. And it's always felt really nice!
One of the things that's consistently and phenomenally amazing about the spaces in which I've been allowed to craft my own appearance is that people just accept it. It never mattered that I was a girl. It never mattered that I wanted to be a genie. It was always "Oh, cool, that's you. Great!" No one ever told me I was faking it, or that I'd "never be a real X", or that I should feel shame for my chosen identity. I just got to be me, and the me that I most wanted to be.
One of the most amazing things that technology has afforded us, particularly in recent years, has been a new multitude of ways in which to obtain a more fully realized self - even if virtual. I talked a lot about this when I wrote about my experiences with VRChat. There was something incredible about being able to have a virtual body that was so much aligned with my ideal self. Obviously getting to look down and see myself that way was incredible. The avatar following my motions, the girl looking at me in the mirror. The sense of scale and the presence in the world. That was all phenomenal. But as an added bonus, people interacted with me in that body like it was the most natural thing in the world. Some of them even complimented me. It was, again, an experience of no one batting an eye. "Oh, you're a girl and a genie. Cool!"
Needless to say, I've been missing that a lot. Even if I never had a truly personalized avatar on VRC, and even if I never found my "place" while I was there.
But I see those barriers to the desired self being slowly chipped away at everywhere - At least, in the digital space. Virtual avatars are a thing in more and more places now, and the tech required to get them running is more accessible than it used to be. I've heard of people using them for their virtual TTRPG sessions, people use them in YouTube videos, and of course, VTubers are out there setting the streaming world on fire. And in every case, it's another example of most folks going "Oh, that's you. Cool!" rather than any kind of combative animosity. The ability to use this tool to craft and present ones identity, and ones ideal self, is extremely powerful to me (Obviously, that's not how everyone uses it - but more than a few do, and the potential to do so has been realized).
...
So maybe that's why I recently commissioned a PNGtuber collection for myself.
In all reality, I'm not entirely sure why I pulled the trigger on that commission, in terms of "Phorm, you dummy, what are you going to use this for?", but the opportunity was there and the product makes me feel really good. I absolutely adore seeing, well, me, reacting to me speaking. It's fun. It feels right. It feels like I get to decide who I am. I'm not sure I'll ever figure out how to use it, and I'm a little sad to reflect on the fact that I maybe, most likely, never really will. But regardless, it's something approximating a virtual body, and it's me.
There are possibilities for use, of course. I'm not entirely sure I want to make video stuff, but that is a possibility - And it'd be nice to knock the dust off After Effects and/or Premiere. It'd be super keen if I could start a TTRPG session (and I already have all the source books for the Root TTRPG), but I just fear I haven't the time or the coordination (or friends) for such a thing.
The obvious answer is, of course, "Well, you could stream?"
You know, I used to stream? It's the truth! Way, way, way back in the past, back when Livestream dot com was still a site, I used to play obscure and weird games. Eventually I moved over to Twitch and set up camp there about a decade ago. I remember my first stream on Twitch was actually Metal Wolf Chaos, mostly because not many of my friends had seen the game, and I was the only one around with a modded XBox capable of playing it. That wound up being my M.O. for streaming for a while: What obscure nonsense can I share with people? I remember streaming Steel Battalion, ZombiU when my friends didn't have a WiiU, and near the end of my streaming tenure, running tutorial streams about how to play Space Station 13.
Back then, streaming was such a different endeavor. This was well on a decade ago, before Twitch had anything even remotely resembling discoverability, tags, or searching. The platform hadn't gained much traction - Streaming was still relatively small, and there weren't many streaming "celebrities" yet. None of that is to color the present landscape as being worse, or bad, but rather to illustrate it was just a place that was different in tone and experience. It was less about putting yourself on a broadcast platform, or building a following, or making pitch perfect streams with awesome production values, and more about just... Kinda having a virtual couch to invite your friends to sit on?
I miss that a lot.
And between that and the new PNGtuber assets, I won't lie when I say I have an itch to have another go at it. Maybe share some of my favorites with people again! I even have "show names" dreamed up for different segments, and a list of games I'd love to play. I wouldn't be trying to shoot for high numbers, or forge a huge community, or try to make a living off streaming. I wouldn't even want to monetize it at all. All I'd want is that virtual couch, and being able to do that with my virtual self feels like it'd be a really nice opportunity.
Then I stop to give it three seconds of thought, and I realize it's a terrible idea. When would I find the time to stream, myself? Between work and other obligations, I'm usually too wiped out to play games at all, how could I keep a schedule? Plus, streaming these days requires way more than an internet connection and a pack of assets. Streamers aren't just turning on a camera and playing games, they are legitimate performers, and that's a talent I don't have.
Maybe most of all, though, I'd just be scared to do it at all. Because there is so much hate, and so much loathing that I just could not deal with. I saw a wonderfully kind person who streams get bombarded with hateful messages three times this week - Just for being who she is. She handled it like a champ, which was awesome. But if I tried to get even just that virtual couch, I know I'd encounter the same thing and collapse inward into a ball of fear and tears within seconds. I know I'd let them into my head, and I know that'd destroy the me I want to be from the inside out.
When I think about all of that, I just wonder if I'm not happier sitting alone in a dark room.
Anyhow. I still want to find a way to embrace the me I want to be.
But for the time being, I guess I'm all PNG'd up with nowhere to go? There are worse things in life.


