Phorm The Vixdjinn

Once again encountering:

The transfeminine urge for tasty pickles

vs

The transfeminine reality of a loss in grip and muscle strength, preventing opening of the pickle jar.

Yard Sign I Saw This Morning: NO on T!

Me: Look, I'm already on Spiro. What more do you want from me?

Okay, so I'm not sure how much of this is just years of internet hearsay, and how much is accurate, but I thought maybe CoHost would have some amount of information on this:

Unironed Trans Pride flags: Are they a thing because the wrinkles symbolize those who can't or couldn't fly the flag openly, and had to keep the flag folded in storage? I've heard this multiple times, but I've no idea how accurate it is.

I'll also confess I have more than one pride flag myself - all are still folded and hidden in storage.

Maybe someday...

As of today, I've been taking feminizing hormones for three years to the day.

I suppose my feelings are very similar to what I said last year. I really don't feel like I've changed. I feel stuck in the lurch, the reflection in the mirror is pretty much the same as it was when I started. My voice still sucks, and I can't hide that. I'm not dressing the way I want. My body isn't where I want it to be at all. And I'm still feeling stuck, lost, and wrong. Every attempt at progress is met with failure, and an attitude of "Figure it out on your own".

Honestly, it's a bit hard not to feel hopeless about it. Particularly when I'm seeing HRT transition timelines from other people, showing positively phenomenal progress in their journey after only 11 months or less. Here I am, after nearly three times longer on hormones, and I'm not even near that level of transition.

One thing I keep seeing from folks freshly on HRT is the sentiment that even the first dose brings on a tremendous mental relief. That it gave an emotional change almost immediately. All I can remember was I never had that. When I first got that bottle of estradiol, I remember being happy, but I also remember feeling like I had such an impossible task ahead of me given my age. And when I started taking it I remember feeling something like... "Can this even really fix me at this point in my life?" It was something I was extremely excited to start, but it also just... I don't know. I guess I knew deep down no one would ever see me as a girl, and I was doomed before I started.

Of course, reflecting on this and comparing it to the experience of others makes me wonder - very deeply - Am I even trans?

Maybe it's because I'm not transitioning socially fast enough. Maybe it's because I'm doing everything I can to maintain a job that I need to survive, but really requires me to meet the expectations of others (wearing the clothes they expect, using the pronouns they expect, talking with the voice they expect) if I want to preserve my employment (Because I know I won't be taken seriously the minute I come out, and then it's game over). So the only time I have for "progress" is the fleeting time off I have on the weekends. And that means I don't get consistent practice. How can I improve my voice or learn makeup appropriately when I do it so rarely?

Maybe it's because I know there's just nothing to be done to save me. There's no changing this awful jawline, or these hideous shoulders, or this disgusting body hair. And if there were ever a chance to do so, it was twenty years ago - Twenty years ago when I knew I was trans, but convinced myself "Well, I guess there's nothing I can do about it". So here I am, out of time, without courage, and no future. With hope as small as my tits.

For some of us, it is too late.

Anyhow. Happy HRTaversary to me, I guess.