Today some news about baseball teams is driving me fucking nuts. I want to explain a few things to you about collegiate level ball and the economics, and then I want to talk about this fucking baseball team mascot. Just skip down to the pictures if you want to see me lose my mind.

Minor & Collegiate Leagues

The line between pro- and amateur- baseball teams is a little blurry. The highest level of the sport is known as the "majors," the 30 teams that currently make up MLB; each team also has at least three minor league teams, usually more (apparently there are 120, so 4 each, except not?). In descending order of prestige and competition they are: AAA, AA, and A (which can be split into high-A, A, and low-A).

So, one can be in the Red Sox organization and be playing for, say, the Lowell Spinners (A-), or the Salem Red Sox (A), or the Greenville Drive (A+), or the Portland Sea Dogs (AA), or the Worcester WooSox (AAA). All these are "minor leagues."

Below then are the collegiate leagues, some of which are affiliated leagues and some of which are "independent ball." For example, the Red Sox used to have a rookie league team in the Cape Cod League, but now it's in the Florida Complex league, but the Cape Cod League still exists. These leagues feature action the level of a college athlete. (The guys hired for the Jerma Baseball League were all collegiate level or just college players.)

So I could go and book tickets to see the Valley Blue Sox of holyoke, ma play the uh Bristol Blues of bristol, ct. They are both part of the New England Collegiate Baseball League, which is sanctioned by the NCAA and MLB but not really affiliated with them afaik. I would go, and I would see baseball, which is fun and good, even if nobody there is like currently slated to join the minor leagues. So majors, minors, collegiate/independent.

Exempli Gratia: Hartford

So pittsfield ma (home of a really cool wooden grandstand stadium, the only one in the country to have a weather delay due to sunset) used to host a Red Sox AA affiliate from 1965-1969, which then moved to pawtucket ri in 1970, and then moved to bristol ct in 1973. There, they adopted the identity The Bristol Red Sox and began playing in Muzzy Field (now the home of the aforementioned collegiate Bristol Blues). In 1983, they moved to new britain ct and became the New Britain Redsox, which became the New Britain Rock Cats in 1997. In 2016, the team moved to hartford ct and adopted their new moniker: the Hartford Yard Goats.

All of these moves and name changes weren't necessarily voluntary; minor league teams, like the players and coaches, are at the whims of their capitalist owners and their associated franchises. The need to make money in the digital age, and they need to fulfill the often arbitrary needs of their affiliated franchises. So many team owners pay to add strange names to their teams. Yeah, the Yard Goats name was submitted via naming contest, and yeah it has to do with the hartford rail yards and shit, but you only call a team the Yard Goats if you wanna develop a brand identity and sell hats, one of which i'm proud to have. Even after the big MLB restructuring of Minor League teams, which made the YG's a Colorado AA affiliate, the Yard Goats remain Yard Goats.

There's tons of examples of silly names in minor league ball clubs. Plenty of listicles out there. You got your Rocket City Trash Pandas (AA Angels affiliate of madison al). You got your Albuquerque Isotopes (AAA Rockies affiliate of albuquerque nm), consciously named after the Simpsons baseball team. You even got the Wisconsin Timber Rattlers (High-A Brewers affiliate of grand chute wi) developing an alternate jersey and logo set known as the (big sigh) Wisconsin Udder Tuggers. (That team has been a minor-league club for six different MLB teams!! This shit is an unstable economy!)

But these examples are all official MLB-affiliated minor league teams. What might a collegiate league do to attract commerce? Are they gonna become the Savannah Bananas, or play it straight? What decisions would they make that might ruin my life?

THE OLD NORTH STATE LEAGUE, DANVILLE VA, AND THE OTTERBOTS

The Old North State League is a collegiate baseball league based in north carolina and (increasingly) southern virginia. Beautiful part of turtle island, go if you can. This league has no official affiliation (or sanction?) from any other governing body save for "The Player's League," named after an 1890's professional baseball league (there were many) supposedly "owned by the players." (Always worth doubting when something says 'employee-owned'; which employees, for how much at what ratios of assets and liabilities? I can't tell you more about this league because I need to talk to you about the Daddies.)

danville, population 42,590 in 2020, rests on the line between north carolina and virginia. (it holds a special importance to the history of white supremacy and Black liberation, look up the Danville Massacre for more info.) it already has a relatively new collegiate-level baseball team, associated with the Appalachian League and by extension MLB: the uh Otterbots

The Otterbots' Identity is built around the resilience of our city, the industry surrounding the Dan river, the playfulness of the otters around its banks, and the STEM-focused education and economic development moving all of southern virginia forward. - otterbots' twitter

like, sure, man. whatever. you'd think that'd be enough. but now there's another team in Danville, and it's part of the Old North State League and not the Appalachian League. it's a new, never before seen brand for a baseball team...

...and they made them sexy cows.

DANVILLE DAIRY DADDIES

huh????

We now look forward to something Udder-ly amazing... something legen-Dairy. It's time for double the team, double the fun, double the D's. - otterbots' twitter

ACTUALLY I NEED TO STOP QUOTING THE VIDEO AND YOU JUST NEED TO WATCH IT BECAUSE THERE'S A NAKED DUDE EATING BANANA CREAM IN A BASEBALL STADIUM THEN DROPPING A BASEBALL IN A BUCKET OF MILK

HEY I JUST NEED TO GIVE YOU SOME PULL QUOTES FROM THIS INTERVIEW WITH SPORTSLOGOS. EMPHASIS MINE

The anthropomorphic bull character, whose name is McCreamy, is wearing classic blue jeans with a giant belt buckle and no shirt, showing off broad shoulders, six-pack abs, and a come-hither look meant to make him the most popular animal on the farm. “He is a bull. This is a Dairy Daddy,” said Dan Simon of Studio Simon, the firm responsible for creating the brand. “The whole concept centers around the word Daddies. The point is this is a smooth bovine. You know, he’s your daddy.”

HUH

While creating the character, Simon had one of pop culture’s smoothest talkers in mind: Joey Tribiani of the show Friends

HUH?

“How you doing?” asked Dan Simon of Studio Simon, in his best Joey voice. “The only difference is that I would like to think maybe this Dairy Daddy is a little smarter than Joey.”

HUH????

Scher indicated that the team had another iconic image in mind as a model for their character: the enhanced physiques of the Bash Brothers, Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire.

HE'S ON STEROIDS?????????

And while that character is meant to be something of a player, he’s still a bovine, one of nature’s least sexy animals. Even the over-the-top masculinity that the character exudes is undercut by the prevalence of a color the team calls “strawberry milk pink” in the brand.

FIRST OF ALL HOW DARE YOU, SECOND OF ALL HUHHHHHHHH??

The bull’s perfect human form is meant to tell an aspirational tale, a metaphor for the ideal the town of Danville is striving to reach. The Dairy Daddy is not intended to be the everyman bull. He’s the bovine we might hope to be if we hit the gym every day, eat right, and take care of ourselves.

WHAT???????????????

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT THEIR SIZES ARE SKIM (S), 1% (M), 2% (L), WHOLE (XL), CREAMY (XXL), AND EXTRA CREAMY (XXXL)??????????????*

WHAT IS GOING ON

EDIT: I FORGOT THE SHIRT