🔞🖌️Botions Binted

A song comes to mind. "Song for a Guilty Sadist" by Crywank. It's entirely about a guy who feels bad that his SO is asking him to choke them and hit them and such. Lots of love. Lots of guilt. Great track. Illustrates how much a grey area you can have with everything really! These things can be done out of love. It can seem odd of backwards. But still be love. And I'm happy that you've found yours :)

Same, I realized recently that part of the reason I like stuff like hypnosis and mind control is probably so I can let myself feel like I don't need to be the smartest or in control or perfectly responsible 100% of the time and I'll still be ok and be loved. Even if I'm still learning how to feel that way in real life.

That's actually a really common form for kinks to take! It's a form of healing and self-care that our brains do: take the things that distress and traumatize us the most, and when it's less of a direct threat, fetishize it in a form that puts you in control of the events. Add in being able to participate in a loving context with people you trust, and it's a great recipe for defanging the things that hurt us and instead using it as a form of radical self-love and healing :>