something that (still) really bugs me about myself is that i actually have a lot of thoughts and opinions on things that are important to me that i could be putting to words, writing down and sharing with others, but ultimately end up... not. why? a bunch of reasons (in no specific order):
- lack of energy
- no time
- brain fog
- got something else i want to do more
- just can't be arsed
- simply can't put it into words
- not wanting to draw attention to myself
- feeling like:
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- i'm not informed enough
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- i'd be stating the obvious
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- my input wouldn't matter
-
- what i might have wanted to say was already said by someone else
-
- i'd be speaking out of line
- i forgor 💀
yadda yadda, the list goes on. i'm (still) timid as fuck when dealing with people i don't really know, and stage fright messes me up real bad, so when i'm not put off from voicing my thoughts by some (more or less known) internal/personal factors i'm demoralized by my perceived ineptitude or daunted by the chance of being told off by someone - so what do i do?
i say nothing. i share what others say that aligns with how i feel, but rarely (if ever) do i add to them myself. not even in "private", as in making my own, separate post about it. it fucking sucks!!
.....i think i had a point to make about not only how i wish i could contribute to things/make a difference with my views, but also about how i'm just tired of being such a shut-in and want to grow out of this as part of learning to socialize (and live), but i kinda lost the phrasing somewhere along the way. damnit.