Raake

Part-time human, full-time critter

  • she/they/it

A shapeshifter of sorts
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🏳️‍⚧️ Mtf

🩶 Gray ace (🔞)

💊 ADHD

😴 Perpetually eepy
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profile pic by Lilly


lorenziniforce
@lorenziniforce
Anonymous User asked:

Autism?

yeah but im kinda quiet about it cuz i'm one of 'em "diagnosed early, put through the trauma wringer" type of ASD folks. can't bring myself to be too proud of a trait i was systematically fucked over for :/

... sorry if that was a downer


lorenziniforce
@lorenziniforce

i feel like a lot of the autistic pride type stuff i see on my queer corners of the internet are driven by adult diagnosees and self-diagnosis folks who are happy to be able to understand and find community in something about themselves that they didnt understand for most of their lives. and that's great

but for me, someone who had even things about her completely unrelated to the autism attributed to the autism, and who basically spent her entire childhood not being taken seriously or even... really treated as a full fledged person in the first place because of her diagnosis, it can be... hard to interact with that sorta thing. instead, my struggles are about the masking that i basically can't stop doing because it was beaten deep into my psyche and i can't ever turn it off except in the most private, quiet moments, and the deep internalized shame and self-hatred my upbringing left with me

so... i'm just quiet about it. i've been forcibly defined by it, against my will, for so long, i just... don't parade it about, because i dont want it to define me anymore


lorenziniforce
@lorenziniforce

to folks who find out later in life and/or on their own initiative, it's a relief, an answer, an explanation. Further understanding of the self and what they've experienced. I know those feelings well - they're how i feel about being trans, and embracing nonhuman identity. And it makes sense to want to wear that with pride

but to those of us who had that box ticked for us before we even truly understood, who had a childhood defined by the systematized abuse that is "special education" and "autism treatment" - it's something we associate only with hurt, denial of our agency and personhood, horrible 'therapy centers', being talked down to, being treated as if you didn't even have full self-awareness at all, in many cases.

... i guess, this is just something to keep in mind with how we talk about autism on the internet. a lot of folks are quite reluctant indeed to disclose their autism at all, or to identify as autistic loudly and proudly, because we've learned the hard way that if someone finds out about the diagnosis, they stop treating us like a person.


TuxedoDragon
@TuxedoDragon

i often think about how different life would've been for me had my parents actually decided to go through and get me diagnosed as a child. they've always suspected i was somewhere on the spectrum, but elected not to do anything about it because i seemed to be doing fine in school and such.


i faced certain struggles growing up due to lack of adequate support for my neurodivergence and continue to learn how to tear down my own mask, but because i wasn't isolated from my peers or systematically treated like an 'other' at an early age, i think i managed to come out the other end with some idea of how to exist in a neurotypical world, and have passed myself for neurotypical 9 times out of 10.

as an adult who pursued diagnosis in order to be able to claim accomodations for college, it was then my choice to take the label, and control how it's used, and you're right - i'm proud of it because it was an answer to why i struggled in certain ways, why i always felt just ever-so-slightly different from my peers. self-determination is a powerful thing!

but, just as it can be a useful tool in the right hands, it can also be a terrible weapon in others'

all that to say, i see you, and i think about folks who had your experience rather than mine, and i can sympathize with your sentiments around claiming the label. if i'd had your experience instead, who's to say i wouldn't feel similarly?


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in reply to @lorenziniforce's post:

that's very very tough. hope you're doing better now, and if not, that's entirely valid - you've got support and you're loved and shouldn't be forced to feel all those things. this post hit me pretty hard. thank you for writing it.

in reply to @lorenziniforce's post:

it never ceases to blindside me how if you look up resources related to autism even now they're almost entirely centred around "resources for a parent to shut up their autistic kid", there's nothing there to actually help autistic people directly and all seems to make the assumption that you're dealing with an eternal preschooler, even the fuckin logos will be brightly coloured child's toys like that fuckin jigsaw piece

and what is there basically boils down to ways to stop them being visibly autistic so they don't embarrass their parents in public it's fucking gross
"this kid doesn't like eye contact so let's force them to do the thing that makes them uncomfortable until they're traumatised enough to do it without blinking and then we'll declare them cured" fuck offffff

I don't fit neatly into either of these situations (though this probably isn't the place to go into detail) so for me, the pride is something i've taken pains to construct. Ultimately, autism does, categorically, "define me", but not in the ways others talk about it—i've had to reclaim that. Reaching any sense of pride was a process of confronting those ages of internalized subhumanization and denial. It was an act of reconciling an "explanation" that i simply couldn't attest to as it had been presented to me

Just thought i could share an extra perspective. Thank you for giving yours. Edifying, and yet deeply agreeable to the extent that i can relate

Honestly, speaking of the systemic child abuse, it does feel like the conversation has drifted away from Ending That. I have to wonder if there are some tacit respectability politics going on? Like, focusing on late diagnoses just so the world will acknowledge that autism continues into adulthood? Hopefully the neurodiversity paradigm is making things better for children but that also seems maximally indirect as far as action goes

in reply to @TuxedoDragon's post:

In my personal experience, autism can affect people in many different ways sometimes it can be quite annoying but doesn't stop you from functioning like a normal person, which is my case to some extent. other times you meet someone that has the same disability but it's a bit more extreme to the point that they would need a lot of help and needs to be instructed on what to do constantly because otherwise they'll just sit there doing nothing.

I don't exactly hate people that have autism that makes them behave like a 6-year-old but I don't like being around people on that side of the spectrum either. mainly because it's hard to keep up or even start a conversation with them.

Considering the fact that you are able to to post something online and talking about a topic like this proves that you are indeed sentient, and being treated like some kind of barely sentient animal is anything but acceptable. I'm sorry to hear that you've been through that in your childhood but that doesn't means things can't improve over time.

I was “diagnosed” around middle school, but I wasn’t told until my freshman year of high school. I’m in a heavy special education program, and it can feel quite demeaning. I’m ultimately glad I’m not constantly overwhelmed and getting into trouble, but I still hate the feeling of isolation. I’ve only got small classes in small rooms in their own small corner of the school, and I have/had to take dehumanizing “personal development” classes and “independent education program” meetings, and I tend to get spoken down to. I still don’t really know what it means for my future; college, jobs, healthcare, I don’t know. But I do know that having the label has given me a better idea of what to do to make myself happy. The biggest help is my friends. I have autistic and otherwise neurodivergent friends, and I can joke and laugh and talk and listen and hyperfixate and infodump freely with them, which makes everything easier and more fun, and I can do this because I have learned about myself and how to express myself as an autistic person. So while I’m not going around squealing about my “autistic pride” at the top of my lungs, or doing things to actively celebrate my autism, I still like being myself, and myself is an autistic person.