Raake

Part-time human, full-time critter

  • she/they/it

A shapeshifter of sorts
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🏳️‍⚧️ Mtf

🩶 Gray ace (🔞)

💊 ADHD

😴 Perpetually eepy
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profile pic by Lilly


i gotta say though, now that i've got my windows reactivated, bought some nice clothes, changed my tyres, switched phone plans etc. it feels like i'm going somewhere with my life again. you'd think i'd feel good about that, but... i kinda don't. i'm more just relieved to get that stuff out of the way.

i'm slow to change my ways. most of the time i just do the same old stuff... because that's all i ever have the spoons for. everything else is a bother. it's like... even if it's something i want to do, i just don't have the energy to feel good about doing it...

(it gets a bit wordy and venty from here on (transition & life stuff); didn't mean to make it so but it kinda just turned out that way)


for the past two years, all i've done is wait.
wait for time to pass so i could get a new letter of referral.
wait for a rejection.
wait for a response.
wait for time to pass again so i could get another new referral.
wait for a letter with a date for an appointment.
wait for that day to come.
wait for another one.

wait. wait. wait.

that's all i've been able to do.
that's all that's ever moved my life forward.
everything else (or damn near it) has been secondary.
ways to pass time.
ways to prepare for the future.
ways to hopefully make things easier.
ways to lessen the pain.
ways to endure the pain.
ways to distract away from the pain.


my next appointment's just a bit over a week away. i know i want to go, i know it'll take me forward... but i'm not feeling it. i'm not excited to go.
i'm anxious. i'm frustrated. i'm hopeful, but not too hopeful - reserved. (i think that's fairly normal?)
and yet, i feel like i... kind of just want to get it over with.
like that's all i have to give, emotionally.
but i'll do it.
i'll get it over with.
and when it's over with, i'll return home.
i'll go back to doing the same old stuff that i always do.

and i'll wait.


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