A couple friends and I came up with it a few weeks ago, and it keeps rattling around my head: every type of food in the world can be split into two categories. These categories are not good or bad, not tasteful or tasteless; they are simply an entirely new dichotomy. The "King Rule," as we called it, is very simple:
Pick any food, then imagine a restaurant named "[food name] King" (Hoagie King, Gyro King, Salad King, etc). Would you have a good time there?
Many options are easy:
- Gyro King is delicious, obviously
- Teriyaki King is pretty solid
- Hoagie King will be your go-to lunch stop for years
Other foods fall closer to the line:
- Meatball King tastes amazing and WILL give you food poisoning. Near pass.
- Pizza King is terrible but beloved. Depends on personal preference.
- Eclair King will disappear in six months after the owner is arrested for tax evasion
And others fail the rule miserably:
- Salad King is bad, AND costs twenty dollars a plate
- Waffle King is just a less reliable Waffle House
- Burger King.
It's difficult to describe the line between these foods, but it's felt very instinctively. You already know in your heart of hearts that Barbecue King is amazing, while Steak King is mid at best. This isn't to say that steak isn't good, nor salad, waffles, or burgers; in fact, they're all amazing foods in the right context. But regardless of their quality, they fail the King Rule.
I don't know what any of this means, but it feels vitally important. The whole of our future rests upon our ability to understand the full ramifications of the King Rule.
Ironically Burger King itself disrupts this rule. If actually-existing Burger King didn't exist, you'd expect a burger place called "Burger King" to absolutely slap
any restaurant named "[food name] Cat" sounds appetizing and I wonder if there's a food type that would result in a place you wouldn't want to go to
- Sushi Cat - heck yeah, sounds adorable
- Burger Cat - cute and delicious!!
- Salad Cat - smiling the whole way and I bet the dressing is in a :3 shape
