I wrote 1500ish words a few years ago about how a particular moment in Mass Effect 3 critically hit my feelings, and thus it forever has a lifetime pass from me. It was written fairly close to the game's original release, so I wrote it to lessen spoilers. Another post on here reminded me of this, and thought some folks might appreciate some navel-gazing about ME3.
I can never truly come to hate Mass Effect 3. Not because it’s a perfect game - far from it. I dislike elements of the game, disagree with some of the narrative choices, and scratch my head at some of the mechanics. However, I cannot foresee a future where I despise everything about the game. Despite its flaws, Mass Effect 3 earned a lifetime pass in my book thanks to a single moment where the game set me up, played me like a fiddle, and made me viscerally feel something in a way that few other games have.
To understand what this game did to me, you need to understand my experience playing Mass Effect 3. When I relate these events to you, I’m talking about my 'canon run', where I played the game for the first time. When I think of Commander Shepard and the story of Mass Effect, my run is what I think of first, regardless of other characters I played, or how other people experienced the game.
Firstly, my Commander Shepard hadn’t suffered a real loss that was the direct result of their actions. He had endured setbacks—there's points in each of the games where no matter what you do, the outcome is always set in stone. But for all those times when Shepard could make the call, it always ended in his favor. He may have worked hard to make it happen, but so far, he had always earned his happy ending. He talked down a cherished ally from an otherwise lethal conflict. He saved the Council. He had the complete loyalty of his crew. He made it through a suicide mission with no casualties. He gave a future to a dying people. He peacefully ended a war that lasted for three centuries. At the end of the day, he could rest his head knowing he made the right call and succeeded for it.
The second factor is Kai Leng. Kai Leng is an antagonist that shows up during Mass Effect 3's second act. He's specifically written as a foil to Shepard. Every time you encounter him in-game, you're at cross-purposes; one of you will succeed and the other will fail. And every time, Leng is convinced he will come out the victor, and that Shepard's efforts are in vain. He goes out of his way to tell you that he is superior in every way, and that he is your replacement. Everything you do is pointless because he will stop you, he will end you, and he will surpass you. Needless to say, I didn't like the guy. Not just because of his attitude, but because he inflicts one of those unavoidable setbacks I mentioned earlier. Just the mention of this guy was enough to make me grit my teeth in anger.
With these two things behind me, Mass Effect 3’s final act began. As it turns out, Shepard needed something to win the war he's fighting, and it’s on the homeworld of one of the franchise's most beloved characters. And it just so happens that the war finally reached that character's homeworld. So he and this beloved character made planetfall in the middle of an active warzone – one that Shepard's side is losing badly. Seeing this planet burn was a blow to both Shepard and this character who's been with him for years now. He gets to the thing he needs, and just as he's about to take it, who shows up but Lieutenant Bastard Kai Leng. Whom you fight in actual gameplay for the first time.
Except, it's not a real battle, oh no. It's one of those good ol' supposed-to-lose fights. Hilariously enough, I beat the tar out of Leng. If it were just up to game mechanics, Shepard would have ended the son of a bitch right then and there. But instead, whereas a moment ago I was pumping bullets into this guy's face, I get treated to a cutscene where Leng forces Shepard back, takes the thing Shepard needs, and makes off, practically twirling his mustache and laughing the whole way. The cutscene ends with Shepard and one of his closest allies looking out over a devastated world, fires burning and enemy forces overrunning allied positions, and everyone knows the day is lost. Shepard knows it. Your allies know it. I know it.
I – me, personally, the flesh-and-blood human holding the controller – was not prepared for this outcome. At that moment, I felt that loss so strongly that I forgot I was playing a game. Emotional investment and suspension of disbelief was at maximum. I wasn't analyzing story beats, I was navigating by pure feeling instead. I couldn't imagine how Shepard could win the war after this resounding defeat – this one loss spelled the end. As the next scene loaded, I felt myself grow cold and heavy on the inside. It felt like there was a block of ice in my chest, weighing me down and numbing me. Shepard looked defeated in the next cutscene as well; his debriefing basically confirmed everything that I was afraid of. Everything had been riding on this mission, and now all the struggle, all the sacrifice, all the effort put into winning this war was for nothing. Shepard's liaison in the army was in shock, while Shepard himself was utterly dejected.
By this point, I had been playing for hours. It was growing late, and I was ready to put the controller down. A part of me wanted to never pick it back up, because this defeat was so utterly devastating. This one loss had completely sapped my will to keep playing, because victory felt impossible.
However, if Mass Effect does anything, it trains its players well. Even the first game encourages you to make your rounds of the ship after each storyline mission, getting updates from others in the galaxy and having conversations with your crew. This trend continues all the way to Mass Effect 3, and the storyline mission I just completed. A minor NPCs I passed by onboard my ship echoed feelings of shock and defeat, like those I felt. One of them notified me of new messages on my in-game email terminal – I resolved myself to read those messages, then turn off the game.
One of the messages Shepard got was marked as coming from the planet I had just left, a high-priority message from its military command. Here is the message in its entirety, save some minor edits to prevent spoilers.
Good. You opened this message. This isn't actually [alien] military command. They're busy tending to what's left of their planet.
So you survived our fight on [Planet]. You're not as weak as I thought. But never forget that your best wasn't good enough to stop me. Now an entire planet is dying because you lacked the strength to win. The legend of Shepard needs to be re-written. I hope I'm there for the last chapter. It ends with your death.
-KL
In that moment, I physically experienced that heavy feeling, that numbness, that block of ice in my chest melt away. This is no hyperbole – it literally felt like melted ice draining away, weight and coldness leaving my body. In its place, a fire of uncontrolled rage ignited that I had never felt before. I was frothing with anger. I was so mad I couldn't form words, instead making noises of anguish and rage. Eventually I did speak, but I could only express profanities and swears. I think the first actual sentence I could make was “I'm going to stick his head on a pike!” I stayed mad for hours afterwards, continuing to play the game, motivated by nothing but rage.
If Bioware hadn't built me up just to knock me down at that moment, I don't think I would have continued playing. It was a master stroke, building on my investment in the series - the feelings and perceptions from across three games and literally hundreds of hours of playtime - to completely blindside me. To some, the message from Kai Leng might feel contrived or over-the-top. But in that moment, I was fully invested in the game and experienced levels of emotion that I could not have had without that interactive experience. Few games have that strong of an impact on me, and those are the ones I treasure. And because of that undiluted emotion I got to experience, Mass Effect 3 will forever be one of the most important games I ever played.