Ryyudo

That "I Fucked Up!" guy

  • He/They

That Twitch dot tv dot com streamer. That once FGC commentator and memer with some bangers.

On the front cover of The Lara-Su Chronicles Beginnings by Ken Penders (top-right)

Avatar by @drdubz
Header by @whohostedthis


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CW: Details of a graphic injury below READ MORE.

It's been a week and a half after my thumb got a grievous wound. Many wonderful and caring folks have asked how my recovery is.

And physically? I'm effectively fine.

But mentally? I've realized some fairly taxing changes on my psyche.


My brain loves to randomly flash the snapshot image I knew something was wrong. TMI but very obviously: the front of my thumb was sliced off down to its base and being held on by my other hand, brain, I know that ๐Ÿ™„. But that oddly feels... normal? That doesn't bother me all that much, especially compared to my poor reactions to normal situations.

When my partner was washing dishes late last week she let out a, rather gravely, cheer. I whipped around only for her to follow up with that she finished the dishes. I hadn't realized how panicked I was until I was rubbing the back of my hand and wrist unconsciously, one of my calming techniques. I remember thinking, "Oh wow... I'm actually kind of fucked up from this..."

So my brain has shifted to "what if it was someone else? That could've been anyone." Realistically, I'm so glad it was me so no one else has to go through this... but my brain burdens me with other folks who it could have been, or could be.

The marvels of medical science are amazing to not make this life-threatening and fixable by slapping my thumb back on. It's honestly neat. I didn't die, so it's alright. I logically understand and feel I'm well physically, but I'm shook mentally and that's where the real work will be.

As I mentioned on stream today: There's no real value in trying to carry this burden by myself. So I'm saying all this outloud and publicly: I'm vulnerable, it's okay, and I'm going to be fine through time.


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in reply to @Ryyudo's post:

Vulnerability is a strength and you're right to flex it. Certainly sounds like a minor form of PTSD replaying the injury event. I have a friend who was in a car accident and has a similar reaction. That's real genuine trauma on display. I do hope you recover in both senses of the term. Talking to someone about it is a good first step.