decades of others' aggressive online behaviorhas left me pretty guarded and hesitant to open up in any way that might come back to bite me later, so my posts tend to be pretty sanitary, and i prefer to open up to more specific groups in closer quarters
there's anything really wrong with that most of the time, but it does sort of prevent me from putting my strongest foot forward sometimes, and i'm going to think out loud a little bit below
i've been thinking a lot lately though about how my cultivated, specific relationships with other trans people, and how deeply betrayed i've felt in the last few years by some trans women i had developed what i felt were important friendships with, for reasons as varied as "being a literal transphobe" (not kidding here) to "showing wanton disregard for spreading covid, including to known-immunocompromised friends", to "being kind of a condescending shitbag to others on a regular basis"
in these kinds of situations, where i feel deeply wounded, i am pretty quick to cut ties and alert my whisper network if the offense is very severe (see ex. 1 and 2), or to simply become immediately distant if it's not "as bad" (ex 3, though that can certainly still be harmful)
i am not very good at trying to call people in because multiple attempts in a row have resulted in the malicious abuse of my time, multiple many-houred conversations in which the other party pretends to understand what i'm saying and then immediately turns around and continues to do harmful shit with no introspection
whether this is because i am bad at picking my battles or because i am insufficiently clear and/or persuasive, it's not resources i can continue to invest in the face of a clear trend
in many ways it bugs me that i have often found better, more open support from cis allies i keep circle with, even white cis men, than from my fellow trans women, and i have this nagging sense, despite experience, that this is because i'm harboring some internalized transphobia. i mean, spoiler alert, i am definitely harboring internalized bias but if i sit down and examine the specifics of particular relationships, it feels like okay, this is actually just my weird happenstance
and if i look at trends in the important friendships i cultivated where i felt betrayed, all of the ones that come to mind were white trans women in my age group! and that's really frustrating too because like, i absolutely see why there would be a predilection for white, usually somewhat comfortable trans women in their late 30s or early 40s to kinda maybe be more often shitty??
but i don't want that energy in my life! so how do i find sufficiently radical trans parents of any gender leaning in my stage of life with the time and inclination to develop an actual close friendship and the ability to just not be shitty!!
and like, i do have some deeply important friendships with trans women in my life, they exist, but everyone has their own shit going on. i want more. i want to be able to, at least once a week, have friend time™ with trans friends i can count on for emotional intimacy and support, and i'm a hell of a far shot from that
i don't have good or clear conclusions here, but i do want to close with, this is a "listen mode" post, not an "advice mode" post: i don't want advice or suggestions or offers in the comments. i appreciate the thought but please don't, thank you 💖
you can feel free to not interact or like and move on, i won't be bothered or offended, i just felt a sudden need to talk about some things weighing on me, to think about them in concrete words