6 Months ago was December 29, 2023. I woke up at 5 AM and drove to wait outside an urgent care clinic before they opened. The one I was planning to go to was closed. I scrambled for a bit to zoom over the only other one open that weekend. New year's weekend, staff was short, everyone exhausted from Christmas no doubt. By 7 there was already a fairly significant lineup. It was fucking cold. The guy behind me was grumbling something unintelligible about vaccines and communism to his groggy child. The woman in front of me just looked tired. The small coffee from mcdonalds was cold. If I was holding the plastic folder holding my HRT assessment report any tighter the plastic would have cracked or my fingers fallen off. Doors opened 7:30, slowly shuffled in 3 at a time. First half dozen could just wait in the office.
"What brings you in today?"
I need a prescription written, possibly an endocrinologist referral. My name is...Remmy. The receptionist looks at me for a while when I show her my id. She smiles a little and nods. I'm pretty sure she knows.
"mkay, come back in...3 hours. 11:15, okay?"
I go to a tim hortons. Haven't eaten breakfast yet. I sit in my car to eat. Have another bad coffee. Nervous enough to power a small house with fidgeting. I go to a thrift store. Drive around a few blocks over and over. Determined, but halfway wanna just go home and give up.
Back to the clinic. Communist vaccine guy isn't there, tired woman is. No drinks in the waiting room, I wonder of she got coffee too, or just went home. The little bits of ice in my hair melt into my hat. I'm not in the waiting room long. I'm in the exam room another 20 minutes before the doctor shows up. The school classroom style plastic chair is really staticy
"Hello...Remmy. You're here for new medication?"
I need a referral to an Endocrinologist. I'm ready to start hrt. I have an assessment...report info...Thingy. paperwork. Hi.
She nods.
I hand her the folder. I rehearsed this for days but I'm not a good actor. She reads the report slowly. She smiles at the very end. The last question on the assement was about any concerns or desires about maintianing viable reproductive material and the desire for children. I'd responded "No, I want 2 cats." The psychologist had written verbatim.
The doctor set the folder down on the counter next to her.
"What pharmacy do you go to? Would you like to start today?"
And that was the first time I cried that day. The second time was when I went to the pharmacy to drop off my prescription. Third time when I went back to pick up my medication, right before they closed.
The lead pharmacist was an older gay man. Only us two in the store. He asked me how long I'd known; August, I'd said. He said that was fast. I'd said I was more sure about this than anything I'd ever thought about. He smiled, and explained the dosage procedures of estrogen and spironolactone. His glasses frames were a very pretty shade of blue.
Fourth time I cried that day was halfway through blubbering "thank you". It was really cold again, well after sundown. I felt warm enough to stoke the sun's embers. I was silent as I went to pick up my pizza. Half bbq chicken half muttar paneer with a side of raita for dipping, from the Indian restaurant that's also a pizza parlor. Order for Remmy.
Fifth time I cried was on the drive home. Mind a buzz, exhausted beyond measure, awake with a kind of cold, clarifying, awed, bewildered joy that defies description. If you know, you know. The world feels sureal. The night feels fake. Nothing feels like the real world I knew.
If this wasn't real, you wouldn't be feeling it so much.
On repeat, over and over, crying, gasping, screaming, howling all the way home.
If this wasn't real, you wouldn't be feeling it so much.
6 Months ago, a process began. And here I am now. 6 months is such a short time, really. Half a year is a while, but not a long time But my journey has come so far, that may was well be 6 lifetimed ago. And there's so much journey ahead, so much life waiting to be lived. I'm very eager for my future, and thankful for the past that brought me here. Cheers, y'all.
Happy Pride, and a revelrous Wrath ahead.
It can just like, happen. Getting that prescription feels like such a relief cause not only has all the work paid off, but because if it didn't already it all of a sudden feels so real. You've got medical professionals' backing. You've got the tools to make the changes you want in your hands all of a sudden.
When I got my prescription I walked 30 minutes through the city back to Central station instead of catching a bus because I just felt so alive, so joyous and full of energy. I wanted to stop and hug a stranger on the street or something. The train ride home was 2 hours long and I read through the back half of Nevada by Imogen Binnie1. When I arrived at my stop I went to my car and read the last couple of chapters in the carpark before leaving, cause hey this is my life now.
It was my dad's birthday as well, so after finishing the book I drove to the shopping center and picked up some prezzies for him: Pulp Fiction on DVD; both Nick Cave Rareties and B-Sides albums; the American Psycho novel and a biography of Nick Cave. Went straight to the pharmacy after and cashed that prescription, there was some confusion of the names and I got asked a few times times who Rebecca was/if I was picking up on her behalf/if she's taken this medication before. I went home and popped those pills with no damn hesitation, then spent a couple of hours basking in my success. Went to dad's for dinner and gave him his birthday prezzies - 62 years old and doing... alright. I didn't tell him and still haven't. Maybe soon.
I'm still kind of in shock how quickly it all went for me. Late February I was in another "Fuck I'm probably trans I need to sort my gender out" state, then within 2 weeks I'm 100% sure. Just over 2 weeks and a few days from being 100% I've got an appointment with a gender professional, and 1 month after it began I've seen a psychiatrist and have a letter of approval. Depending on where I count from it took 1.5 to 2 months (or 10 or 29 years) to get on HRT. It's been 2 months now since I first swallowed those little pink/orangish and 1/4 white tablets and I've literally never been happier in my life. Hell, I don't know now if I ever was happy before. "Hank, if this is food then what have we been eating?"
It's just like. It's wild to me. It's mind-blowing how much my mental state has changed. How I look at myself (literally and metaphorically), how much time I devote now to working on myself, how I receive compliments - I saw my best friends for the first time in 3 months the other day, first time leaving home dressed femme and in makeup too, and when they told me I looked great and they were amazed by my appearance I actually believed them!
It's been a blast, and the happiest and most genuine couple of months of my life. I'll have hardship ahead cause I'm not sticking around for my current job much longer but despite even knowing that I'm also sure it's going to get so much better from here and I want everyone who's in the closet or questioning to get to this point. I don't regret taking so long to reach the conclusion that I'm trans but I'd rather others not spend so much time as I did stewing over it only to file it away for another year, or a few months when it just starts all over. If you're closeted or questioning your identity and you haven't taken any kind of action yet, just know that as soon as you start moving and get that forward momentum it all gets so, so much better and you should want that for yourself because we all deserve it.
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A fantastic, if fairly sad book of transfemme experience, if you're into downer stories like I am, give it a read. If you're not into depressing things but are transfemme still pick it up, I've never felt myself so reflected - good and bad - in the pages of a book before, and it's a very short read with wonderful momentum.