i used to think i was a, quote, 'sociopath'.
as much as i want to blame sherlock for the language, it's more likely because one of my oldest friends i made online does, in fact, have ASPD, Antisocial Personality Disorder
(if you're reading this, C, i know discord sucks bud but you really can't keep reaching out to me on steam messenger who DOES THAT?)
this was fascinating to me as a kid. we got along great, played minecraft and TF2 24/7 harvest or hightower. i learned to make very clear if he made a joke that went too far, or griefing too severe.
i could tell he was a good person, even if other mates didn't get on with him. my friend, the 'sociopath'; the language at the time was different, but never in my eyes derogatory.
but my eyes are not the only ones in the world, are they? even if others' are hard to read.
obviously, i much prefer the language of ASPD to the strange pseudo-differences between what people mean when they say 'sociopath' versus 'psychopath'. if you don't know the correct terminology, i'm happy to teach you today...
...i wrote "happy" with a flat face, because the idea is happy, not me, not quite in this moment. that's not a bad thing, it's just how i write. i put my emotion into my work, but the intended emotion of the work, happens when you read it.
sociopath and psychopath are often used for variations on the same concept, but this was always infantilizing if not dangerous language. the usual understanding of ASPD, is people who don't or can't feel emotions, but this isn't quite right, not really
it's more a difficulty of permeability for others' emotions.
as a teen i would make jokes without reading the room, as a depressed young adult i would apologize for everything without being any target of blame. these days it varies. i'm medicated, and when i feel the most intense and dangerous of my emotions come on, they're suppressed by sertraline. usually.
and yeah, i have emotions. i have big emotions! too big! they overwhelm me and try to take me with them, to the point that separating myself from emotion seemed the only option. i did that long enough to convince myself i always had, to the point where today, i can see another human being suffering in front of me, and struggle to feel any grief.
but i want to, god fucking dammit i want to. why can't i?!?
because i'm masking. it's just masking.
i'm presenting my emotions as the world demands to see them, because the worlds' eyes do not hide contempt equally. i learned to suppress my emotions, my addictions and my violence. because it was all too much.
so now my face is dressed to match the world. yet, how fast can i possibly don a new mask, if a world i don't anticipate greets me today? it's no wonder i'm so often underdressed.
i've been officially diagnosed with autism, but not ASPD. i don't know for sure if i have it, or if i'm just too busy dampening my own emotions to bear taking on new ones.
if you learned anything useful from this, just know- that makes me happy. it really does.
