i often worry i've hit my limit. i worry my best work is behind me. i worry that i fully deserve to lose all relevancy and fade into obscurity only to be remembered as "the payday youtuber who got weird afterwards"
i worry people are just being nice about my art. i worry every time people see my posts they roll their eyes and stick around out of pity more than actual interest
i'm scared my thoughts about design are trite and uninteresting and my video style is too derivative and others have done what i have but better. i worry i dont serve a purpose anymore. i'm glad to have friends and loved ones. i'm glad to have people in my life to live for. but i feel like i'm just a leech now
taking people's money, smoking weed, being mildly amusing on twitter, occasionally posting bad art and short videos, sometimes cheap boring porn, make streams nobody watches and then go back to being broke and in pain.
what else explains the complete lack of care? nobody professional hiring me nobody how many writing and journalism applications i submit?
i must've hit my limit. i've already burned it up and i'm running on fumes. i guess i'll keep trying until my health makes it physically impossible but what's the point if nobody's life is being improved? if no one truly cares? would it be better if i stopped trying?
i'm just tired of being broke and in pain. but i have nothing left to give, physically, mentally, creatively, emotionally. what's the point anymore?
