recently i picked up some grass from my medical dispensary. only to discover the cool queer guy who works there, after a lovely conversation about being trans the last time i was there, added a note on my medical sheet to say "preferred name: Sheri"
i was wearing that crona-esque outfit from a while back at the time, so he could just sorta sus out i'm trans. apparently, his brother is trans too. neat!
it was a very touching moment and made me happy to have chosen that particular dispensary. and i hope to get to know you better, friend
...and then i thought about it. uhoh. i got euphoria from being called "sheri", not just because it's my name, but because it wasn't "connor"
which... i guess makes sheri my preferred name? but what would that mean for me? the honest truth of the matter is i will be perfectly happy to be called connor for the rest of my life. it's not my dead-name. but "sheri" is nice, its friendly. and a little dangerous.
something horrible i and many other queer creators have to consider is the idea of proving people right about you. about being a stereotype, about people accusing you of having turned into some weird queer who went off the deep end and stopped being interesting
on the one hand, who gives a shit what some bigots think? on the other hand, isn't it spiritually disturbing to have not been that person's chance to become better?
i've once or twice received messages from people (my memory isn't so good lately on account of the concussions) about how i helped them realize specifically not just that they were queer after i came out as non-binary, but also helped them overcome their stigma against trans people when they realized i was totally chill
or in stranger cases, being told you're "normal enough" for them. an acceptable amount of queer. i guess being genderless has the perks of being hot to everybody, huh?
but if you proved them right.
if i changed my channel name from Connor Shaw, what it's been for over six years, to Sheri after all this time, will that be the final straw for people? would people who might stick around longer had i not changed my name had a chance to realize that trans people aren't some other if i had just waited a little longer
i do like Connor Shaw, after all. that's who i am. but i'm Connor Sheri Shaw
but if you proved them right.
how many comments have i gotten of people telling me i went off the deep end. that i went from being a cool FPS nerd to a weird gaming journalism queer
how many more? if i finally do lose enough subs to drop below 100k as i have been for years, would i be better off without the plaque? at this point its little more than a glorified mirror
at the end of it all, though, i'm happy to keep going no matter what. i can care about the general kindness of the world while not giving a shit for my immediate self. i can get called a slur on the street and flip them off and carry on with my day. i can delete or ignore a shitty youtube comment. i've been hardened by my share of death threats for opinions on doom games
but if you proved them right.
i want the world better
so i'm happy to still be Connor
