why is it that i feel so much happier when i get one really thoughtful comment on a fanfiction i wrote, than getting 10,000 views on a video essay, my actual career?
because it's my actual career, next question
wait that's a wild thing to just associate. let's break that down.
so, if you're new here, my main career is writing & video production. i make dissertations about the history of turtle rock studios, telling complicated stories with no words, game design philosophy under capitalism and why lying in court is good
i do this because youtube is a good way for independent creators to get paid, it requires a lot of skills i had already built up for fun working on my computer growing up, and video games are fun! and there's a lot to say about the way they're made and the people who make them.
i've got "side hustles" and stuff but the point of this is to say, a lot of the creative output in my life will be monetary in the end. it will be career based.
so, the drawings i make for tabletop campaigns? the food i cook for my friends? the kind words i hear from those close to me, or even strangers in the comments on that smut i wrote, that's good stuff
i feel better because it's not expected. never assumed.
my career as a "content creator" only works if people like me, if i continue to output writings or videos or onlyfans pics that people approve of, give me money for.
if i get no response or a constant negative one than my career has either failed, or i need to pivot to making crime boss: rockay city videos or whatever
and if i get a positive response? i simply feel relief. not unhappy, but not by default happy
the serotonin in the off hours is never accounted for and thus always a delight, since it's all been converted to US currency during the day