I feel like I'm feeling a buncha different stuff as of late and gonna put this out if incase maybe some others can relate to this? But iunno I just have alot on my mind lately that I just wanna share too I guess for my own relatability and thoughts sake;
Lately I've been feeling like I'm relating less and less alot more with other people in the same space I feel like I am in, but not really as much anymore. For about 7 years now I've been a closeted trans woman in the sense that I'm still living with folks who are not very open minded wrapped in old school ideals that has made it uncomfortable to want to do anything self-expressing. I don't know if this has warped my brain over time to feel like I was robbed of an experience I could've had and maybe could still feel confident knowing I was trans, but not really anymore in recent years.
I see art, people express themselves in unique ways and even porn in trans spaces but I feel like I'm just not really connecting anymore to this as well as I used to. I just feel so alienated from it, yet I still feel like I wanna belong if that makes any sense? More so because I feel if I leave a space like that, I will no longer be as accepted prior nor have other people to relate with as much. I know this is silly in concept like oh, what does it matter if others don't relate to you? But having a sense of belonging is kind of like for some in being religious (Just using that as an example). For some it makes you feel welcome and apart of something so you know even if the world is shit you can still feel welcome somewhere. I guess im just at that point if I leave that label off of myself, I won't really have a group to relate with anymore. This is also silly I know in the sense of "Well there's tons of spaces and different people who identify in alot of ways!" but since I've been attached to feeling trans for a long time I just feel bad leaving it.
I've been feeling more bigender as of late and using that label for myself across more spaces. I don't at all identify with being just a male viewed person, more so still feel comfortable being perceived as a girl first and foremost. However in addition to this, just the concept and very effeminate side of being a femboy has made me feel extremely comforting in how I feel about myself as well. It makes me feel like I'm at peace, being this girly, ultra effeminate being who just loves being in-between. I still don't really know if bigender is the be-all for me but it closely feels like what I feel comfortable with, which is why even my fursonas represent that through me. Krista has never really had boobs just more so chest fat titties because I could never relate to wanting to have actual tits unless if they were huge. Kelly has made me extraordinarily happy with how I express myself because he feels like, me. He's how I want to be perceived, but doesn't mean I replace him with Krista. They're my two sides, its why I guess I feel comfy being Bigender if they're my two representatives which is the best kind of comfort fursonas can provide in your identity.
Rambling aside, that's my personal gender thought dump for a bit. I hope someone out there can relate to this in some capacity because I feel better knowing I'm not alone in feeling weird and out of place alot. Just how it is sometimes.
