I've had a couple people reach out to me over the weekend and today. I appreciate it very much, and I'm sorry I don't know how to communicate effectively all that's going on inside of me. Of how I know my problems are real, and at the same time minuscule, and yet, not. The existential dread that I live under daily. The desire for security, and the desire to live my life.
The strange loneliness of living with a partner, and yet still feeling utterly unconnected from an emotional network. Having what should be a solidly middle class job, and watching your paycheque being barely enough to support you and said partner, and not really put anything away. Fear that your landlord will raise your rent again, and you'll not be able to meet it. That they will inspect and give you an eviction notice for some small infraction.
Of your dreams of what should be, evaporate around you in swifter and swifter number, and the feeling that some of your partners just- don't care enough or that perhaps you yourself are not worthy of their care. That newer friends, newer interests, other facets in their lives are far worthier of their attention.
That perhaps if you gently nudge them towards them, despite the screaming heart ache in your chest, they will be better and you can simply sink into obscurity and sleep. A failed life that will end with not even a silent whimper. Perhaps a fond memory will drift forward, a kernel of warm thought.
Such a thread to mark my existence- and perhaps it will cause a smile.
But that is not what I want! That is not the end I desire! I don't want to be a mere tiny thread of a memory! I want to be loved, I want to share my joys, my headmates joys! I want someone to care, to be interested, to be as invested in my headmates and I as I am. I want to be able to be invested that deeply in someone else as well! I want work to feel meaningful! I want life to be more than just struggling to survive just barely! I want someone to help me carry this weight.
I want that to not be too much to ask of this world.
Someday I may go to sleep, and not wake. Though the body and my headmates will presumably go on after me. I want to leave them in a state where they can succeed. I truly do not want that yet. The Ego-Death of Meminisse. I have so much love to give.
The strange loneliness of living with a partner, and yet still feeling utterly unconnected from an emotional network. Having what should be a solidly middle class job, and watching your paycheque being barely enough to support you and said partner, and not really put anything away. Fear that your landlord will raise your rent again, and you'll not be able to meet it. That they will inspect and give you an eviction notice for some small infraction.
Of your dreams of what should be, evaporate around you in swifter and swifter number, and the feeling that some of your partners just- don't care enough or that perhaps you yourself are not worthy of their care. That newer friends, newer interests, other facets in their lives are far worthier of their attention.
That perhaps if you gently nudge them towards them, despite the screaming heart ache in your chest, they will be better and you can simply sink into obscurity and sleep. A failed life that will end with not even a silent whimper. Perhaps a fond memory will drift forward, a kernel of warm thought.
Such a thread to mark my existence- and perhaps it will cause a smile.
But that is not what I want! That is not the end I desire! I don't want to be a mere tiny thread of a memory! I want to be loved, I want to share my joys, my headmates joys! I want someone to care, to be interested, to be as invested in my headmates and I as I am. I want to be able to be invested that deeply in someone else as well! I want work to feel meaningful! I want life to be more than just struggling to survive just barely! I want someone to help me carry this weight.
I want that to not be too much to ask of this world.
Someday I may go to sleep, and not wake. Though the body and my headmates will presumably go on after me. I want to leave them in a state where they can succeed. I truly do not want that yet. The Ego-Death of Meminisse. I have so much love to give.
