I had a thought. Ever since I was a child, the family members around me would make assumptions about my personality/identity/whatever you want to call it. And those assumptions would then go on to negatively affect me. I thought I was this lazy person that didn't want to do anything like my family wanted. When they went on vacation and I went with them and I got grumpy about having to walk so much, I thought I was just lazy. When the truth was far more sinister.
At that time, I was struggling with debilitating scoliosis that deformed my body to the point that my own classmates came up to me curious about that. On vacations I would be in so much agonizing pain that it made me feel like I was burning alive. And yet, because my family wanted an easy answer, they just called me lazy. Of course, I believed them. Because I trusted them, so why would I think critically? I would eventually get scoliosis surgery, so that has a happy ending.
In high school, my family called me picky. And I figured that it was true, since I didn't eat much. But again, the truth was far more sinister. I'm not a therapist so I'm not going to claim I know what eating disorders are like, but my eating habits made me miserable. I starved myself because I was too scared to try anything new. I would have one or two thoughts circling through my head every time I thought about it. I would go, "If I don't like it then it'll be a waste of food." or "If I don't like it then it'll be a waste of food AND money." I only had a few select comfort foods that I would retreat to, and if I was hungry after not eating anything at school I would swallow my saliva and trick my brain into thinking I had eaten.
And yet, my family thought I was picky and tried to get me to eat by constantly pointing it out. I ONLY started to eat because I finally had this dawning realization of: "Oh, I'm miserable like this." And I wanted to change that. But even after I tried something for the first time, that fear didn't go away. I had to constantly work through the intrusive thoughts and irrational paranoia.
I don't really know where I was going with this? But I had the thought of my family's assumptions causing me some extremely negative patterns throughout my early life, some of which I'm still working through. I guess one thing that can be taken away from this is that children tend to go through so much that adults, for whatever reason or another, just aren't aware of.
I've had ADHD all my life but it disguised itself. even I thought I just "didn't want" to do things. I thought I was just lazy and everyone else did too.
Now I find out I have ADHD and I'm like. I cannot fucking try meds fast enough. Antidepressants and adderall both don't work. Need to try something else. MUST find something to FIX ME
There are some conditions that I suspect myself of having, including ADHD. It would certainly explain why I find it extraordinarily difficult to create habits, or why I have severe rejection dysphoria, why I find it so incredibly mentally painful to do things that I don't actually want to do, etc. My best friend (who also has ADHD) certainly suspects that I have it 😅
But I hope that you find the right medications that help you :) It sucks being accused of being lazy when you have a condition that makes doing stuff incredibly difficult.
It's not that I was accused of being lazy while not being lazy... it's that I even thought myself that I was lazy, to the point where I would use it as an excuse for things. I legitimately couldn't tell the difference between "I don't want to do the thing" and "I want to do the thing but my brain won't let me be interested in it".
Oops, my reading comprehension is suffering 😅The things our brains will tell us just because they want an easy answer. I've definitely struggled with that as well though. It's like you have to be constantly nitpicking your brain in order to figure out what the issue is, which can so often be exhausting.
