Sift

Sift

@Sift

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Sift
@Sift

The overwhelming confusion of sexuality

I'm male, 35, and I still don't really know what I am. There's so many labels and whatnot that I'm just easily confused and not sure what to think.

I figured the best way to get things out there is to post this out there and maybe someone can help me out a bit.

When I was young growing up I was a survivor of serious SA/CA, it's not something I go into very often but it is what it is. Ever since then and to this day I have a bad trauma response to men in general. If they're older then teens I instantly feel like I'm back to being a scared kid myself and it's hard to function. Because of this I've never once felt attracted to men offline and I still don't, despite me having crushes on Kass, Bowser, or other furry male characters. All that stuff is online only.

Backtracking a small bit, I remember one time I told my dad I was gay as a April Fools joke and his eyes popped open and when I said 'April Fools' he sighed and my mom nearby laughed and for like the next month every day he just wanted to affirm that I was straight just in passing 'you're sure that was a joke, right?' and while funny at first it started making me really nervous.

To this day if I talk to my mother about it when she asks I simply mention "I think I'm bi." She instantly jumps to 'so you want to have sex with other men?' and I have to quickly shoot it down because no, I don't think of sex at all. Honestly with either gender. I try to explain it to her that I see being bi as a romantic thing, and that I'm starved for personal acceptance, so that if a guy came up to me and was genuinely kind to me I'd probably fall for them.

What this means for my role in the community is that I often post small lines about "I love Bowser." "I love Kass." , I've posted pictures of them among other male characters... but getting the courage to do so is just so hard sometimes. Like even though the furry community is one of, if not the most accepting, LGBTQ+ communities I have this huge fear that I'll be judged or made fun of. That it's wrong for me to like fictional men and if I show more than a line of my own interests or wants I'll be canned.

Silly or not it's something I just don't know how to handle and it's something that bothers me a lot. Kenju, my partner, knows that I love him for example, but even mentioning it to others feels like "I don't want backlash to hit him."

I'm just a confused mess about myself and iunno, any advice on handling this or sorting this out in my head would be appreciated.

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in reply to @Sift's post:

Reba-Rabbit
@Reba-Rabbit

We have entirely different circumstances, and I haven't experienced the kind of trauma that you have, so it's impossible for what I say about my own experiences to line up in a solid way with yours, but I spent a lot of time being confused about my sexuality as well, and I'll mention what I learned about myself just to give you more info you can look at when trying to figure things out for yourself.

I thought I felt sexual attraction to others for years due to a combination of strong aesthetic attraction and sensual attraction and being interested to some extent in fictional sexual fantasies. This was despite not being interested in sexual activities IRL at all. I just thought I was weird because everything else pointed the other way. I've come to realize that I'm on the ace spectrum however. There isn't a pre-existing term that perfectly describes my sexuality but the one that gets closest is "aegosexual" which describes people who experience a disconnect between themselves and sexual arousal. It can be used to describe folks who can get aroused and have sexual fantasies but when they themselves are personally involved it results in little to no sexual attraction or desire to be involved in sexual activities.

Labels and microlabels can help us better understand ourselves by seeing that there are others who experience similar situations, but I don't think they could ever fully define a person's sexuality or gender. As you look for answers on your own sexuality, remember that there is no box to fit into. You are you and your experiences and feelings are what is important. It also might be helpful to document those feelings in a notebook or something so you can find the edges of your sexuality and better understand yourself.

Also, there's no need to fear getting canned for talking about your interests. I fantasize about what it would feel like to be cartoonishly flattened by steamrollers XD There is no cringe and there's no one who would chastise you for your interests who's opinion you should accept or fear. We're all people, and people are all weird. Good luck figuring things out pal <3

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Sift
@Sift

Just wanted to say thank you for writing this all out, it really genuinely means the world to me to hear feedback like this and I understand! A few friends have said similar things to me and it does feel comforting.

Really, thank you for all this!!

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