So, with all this discourse about racism and whatnot, I kinda wanna share for a few moments, my own experiences with it. Please, just, bare with me for a little?
Bit of Context: (This is all important trust me)
So, little know fact, on my Mom's side of the family, I'm 4th Gen American. On my Dad's Sperm Donor's side I'm also 4th Gen American. My mother had a Hispanic maiden name, my Great Grandma always held the Christmas parties that involved the entire family coming over to make tamale's by HAND. And make them like a factory line by the dozens. And that only stopped when she got too old and the family got too distant and let petty squabbles tear them apart. My great grandmother was also an immigrant from Mexico during the mid-late 1920's.
My sperm donor on the other hand? His family didn't do anything Hispanic except celebrate Cinco De Mayo the white people way. My grandfather on that side is cousins with some Very Powerful and CORRUPT People in Mexico. Think Cartel. And so my grandfather was the type that would be happy if you knew Spanish but wouldn't bother to teach it to you. Also, yeah he would hire the group of guys hanging out in the Home Depot parking lot to help move stuff he couldn't when he did move around.
ANYWAY, Both my Sperm Donor (Who is Half Hispanic), and my Mom (Who is also Half Hispanic), made me, I turned out Half Hispanic too. Except not. I turned out to roll the genetic lottery and only got some of the perks of being Hispanic, like olive skin that doesn't burn easily, DARK fucking brown hair and dark brown eyes, and freckles E V E R Y W H E R E. Other than that? I don't look Hispanic, I don't sound Hispanic, and I don't know really any Spanish at all.
You might be able to see where this is going, but I'm gonna keep going.
So, throughout my childhood, I never really grew up knowing about my Hispanic heritage, or being able to participate in it at all. I always was made to feel like I couldn't have an ofrenda for those I lost, I felt like I couldn't celebrate Dia De Los Muertos because It "wasn't our holiday". And I felt like I couldn't relate to any of the other Hispanic kids I grew up around because their parents all spoke Spanish, and were cooking authentic foods, and had decor up that was from their families, etc., etc.,.
Well, come to find out later on from my Sperm donor's father, that he didn't want me or anyone else to live like that because he was so obsessed with pleasing his white, southern hospitality, Shacked up with Elvis a few times, Wife (My Grandmother), that he basically abandoned all culture and whatnot he had growing up, and forbade anyone from partaking in it. And same went for my Sperm Donor, he followed the exact same way as his father, except the girl he cheated on my mother to date and then marry, was from SoCal too, with her own white AF family.
And what excuse did my Mom have you may ask?
Well, she was a single mother up until I was 12, and didn't have a lot of spare cash to set aside for stuff like culture and heritage. But we made frequent road trips to SoCal where her family lived primarily, and I got to meet and talk to my Great Grandmother many times before she passed from old age. Whenever I'd talk to my Mom's side of the family they would all share stories about the gatherings in the backyard they used to have, and all the holidays making Tamale's and etc., etc.,.
But they stopped due to infighting in the family, and a bunch of drama when my Great Grandmother passed, and inheritance got involved and everyone knows how that goes by now. And eventually my Mom met my Step-dad and any idea of embracing culture kinda went out the window since he's of Irish/German decent with deep family roots here in St. Louis. She still makes Tamale's every once in a while, and has a cook book filled with recipes and such for 'Authentic' Hispanic food.
So, you may ask, "Skylar, what does this all have to do with you facing racism and discrimination?"
Well that's the thing, all of that, all compounded into me, and how I was constantly made to feel left out of a culture I never got to really partake in. Because by the time it got time for me to even want to partake, It was all already whitewashed down, and watered down just like How I look.
I once told a former friend that I considered myself Hispanic, and keep in mind, this friend is Half First Nation (I forgot what tribe), and he looked me dead in the eyes and told me, "You're the Whitest Mexican I've ever seen."
Now, ya'll may think that's no big deal right? But, to someone who was just gaining confidence in their cultural identity to have that basically laughed at to their face, and made to feel like no matter what I did, I'd always just be "The Whitest ____?" That fucking hurt.
That utterly crushed any motivation to even want to try and participate in the culture and heritage I'd wanted to for so long...
But as I got older, and mostly gave up on trying, I'd make attempts here and there, only to basically be made to feel like a fraud and faker, and like I was just "another Whitey trying to fit into the culture of the week." or that, "I'm not really POC because I don't look it."
So, yeah... despite what my heritage says, and what I've wanted to try, I've never been able to fit in because I don't feel white enough to relate to White people, nor did I really grow up like them, and I can't relate to Hispanic and POC folks either because I once again, Didn't grow up like them, nor was I able to embrace or cling to any culture.
So yeah... apologies if this all seemed to go nowhere, I just wanted to share my own story, and maybe hope that something comes of it?
Idk... anyways, I'll return to talking about furry stuff, and queer stuff.
Just... wanted to get my story out.