So ill do it here and copy it over since im not at my computer right now.

There was a topic on my mind a few hours ago that ive since forgotten.

Something i always forget in the moment is when im high i get locked into emotional turbulances.
When i think too long about a certain topic, meaning when i feel engaged, it becomes hard to deviate from the emotional responce it draws out.

In a way these little conversations i have with myself are just how ive come to have "fun" when im alone, no matter how bad it makes me feel.

But ive also noticed since starting my journal just a couple weeks ago my typing habits have been getting more refined.
Its becoming fun to think of how to make my paragraphs look nice.

It reminds me of reading books when i was little, silly as that may sound. But aside from that ive been mulling over how to get locked into story writing.

I mean yes the conversations i have with myself are a type of writing process but my brain is just so unpredictable in those moments.

Its like when you accidentally make up a song and it actually kinda works.

I feel like these days ive just got too much riding on my shoulders and it distracts me from my passions, like committing to them any longer is just using up valuable time i could spend doing something more important.

Im also anticipating a possible opporitunity to leave my current job and its killing me having to wait so long.

And if i dont get accepted i have no idea how long it will be before i can try again..

But its a plan for the future, i just hope i dont have to hold out for too much longer.

Its kinda funny in a sad way, looking back its no wonder i turned out like this. Constantly bombarded with sickening feelings of isolation and constantly having my faith in people tested.

Im surprised i found a way to maintain my optimism at all, in a way its the lense through which i explore my character sam.

Everything she says sounds bad or depressing but i try to make sure it comes from a good enough place to be seen as concern or faith too.

The most confusing thing about it is im losing my cohesion on feelings like "sad" and "happy."
Does it make sense if things in general just feel kinda normal at this point? Like its just, yeah, thats how things are.

Have you ever had a panic attack because you felt good and it didnt make sense?

Not trying to get too bummed out this entry, just observing and i guess thats the note im leaving it on.