So, if anyone knows me well enough and/or long enough, they know that I give a lot of money away to my friends in need. For at least six and a half years.
It started with one friend, Johanna Roberts. For as long as I knew her, she has always needed money in order to live. She is disabled and can't work. She is on SSDI. But she only gets $1200 a month. That isn't enough to cover all of her bills and for her to be able to afford food, pills, and supplies. And she is trying to raise her trans enby son. So since I've known her, she has always put together a begging bowl for everything she needs. In the past, the begging bowl would get filled. I felt like usually by myself. But like in the past year or two, I don't even know if it gets filled at all.
And then, there is Phoenix. I know Phoenix as a YouTuber, a small one though. She was with a small group of other YouTuber that advocate for Social Justice. Mostly, if not all, Feminists of various types. But they have been disabled since a car crash in 2007. They have worked before at retail jobs. But most of them are hard on their mental and physical health. Retail jobs are hard anyway. For many reasons, they want to live on their own, or at least, not with their Father. Mostly emotional neglect. Four years ago, they came out as Nonbinary. Change their name to Phoenix. But that is a bridge too far for their Father because he will always see Phoenix as, "His little girl." And deadnames them. So they have been trying to live independently ever since. It has been really rough. Right now, they do have an apartment through Section 8. And an emotional support animal in his cat Archie. But they were denied SSDI because, according to the judge, he didn't get a prescription for the mobility aid, the walker, they use. The reason they never tried to get a prescription is because the last doctor said to them, "Have you tried losing weight?" And Fatphobia rears its ugly head. They have said, while crying, "How can I lose weight when everything hurts?" They created a GoFundMe over three years ago to help them get independent living here: https://gofund.me/05c87e9b. It has never been filled. And now they are struggling to get back their TDAP, Temporary Disability Assissentence Program. I don't even know if they have food stamps. So, with almost no income and with over $800 of overdue bills, as well as needing food and cat supplies, they are relying on the generosity of strangers. They hate doing that. It is not sustainable. They are pretty much hoping for a sugar parent to help them live. That is pretty much their only hope. Right now, as of writing this, they are hoping for their $2000 ko-fi goal to be filled to maybe have hope for the future. Struggling in poverty is terrible for their mental health. They have been having dark thoughts for some time now.
Next is Joey Fire Lame Deer. Meant them through a mutual friend, because they were also annoyed and were arguing with Liberals. They are a Nonbinary Indigenous person, Lakoda. I always enjoy my conversations with them. Their perspective is quite interesting. Fun fact, they have quite a bit of tattoos. But their favorite one is the one on their shoulder. It is a dorito. Because it is the chip on their shoulder. Awesome person, as well as Phoenix and Johanna.
But Joey has always been disabled. They are also autistic. Recently, they were denied SSI. They were denied Food Stamps. Can't work. They just lost their house too. Right now, they have a GoFundMe set up by a mutual friend to help them avoid homelessness here: https://gofund.me/b7629362. Only $1,700 out of $10k so far.
And then there is NaztheNeko and Lynnaquinn. A couple of my streamer friends. They are partners. Both trans, disabled, and autistic. And Naz is half Cuban and half Mexican. Naz has SSI. LQ does not. Both can't work. And recently, had to moved because of the cost of living at their low end apartment increased. The moving cost was a lot. They kind of are okay now. And even though they both stream on Twitch, they still have to raise money each month, at least $155, for both of their phone bills. As well as occasional grocery trips. So every so often, they have to raise money. They also have some credit card debt as well.
To tell you all of this is to give context to the following statement. Looking at my bank records, I have given about over $10k in the last four months to various people. Mostly to people in need. A lot of times to my five friends I mentioned above. And that is $10k in the last four months. I have been giving money to folks for 6 and a half years now. But I am afraid I am at my limit. Despite almost giving any extra money I can give. Despite working 12-hour days, or trying to. Despite working as much overtime as I can and streaming on my off days. I am afraid I have limits on how much I can give to my friends in need. Or least, when I had just one friend in need, I could fill her begging bowl. But in the past year, it's been increasingly difficult to help all of my friends with all of their needs. They needs are increasing. Increasing prices on everything don't help either. Or I have more and more people who I am close to in big need for help. Or maybe I am terrible with my money. I mean, I have $25k in credit card debt. But I am maintaining it. Even if I get $2k right now, great. I would put it towards the credit card with the highest interest rate. But then I would have $2k in credit limit that would immediately give to someone like Phoenix or Joey.
I also hate to express this. Because folks would tell me, "You got to put your own survival mask on first before you help others with their survival mask." Okay, financially, when will I know I have my survival mask on? When I have no credit card debt? When will that happen? For how long do I have to stop giving money to my friends before I can pay off my credit card debt to then start giving money to my friends again? And see back to what I would do if I were instantly given $2k right now.
Another reason why I am right now only posting this to Cohost, for now, is that if my friends see me stressing about my money situation, they will feel guilty for receiving money from me. To hate to feel like I am a burden to them. I try to tell them every time, I choose to take up this burden. I want to help my friends. I wish for my friends to have the things they need to thrive and be happy. I have also accepted that I will never retire. My retirement plan is Communism or death. If Capitalism will still be around in my lifetime, I will work until my death, or until I can not work anymore. Something which some of my friends are worry could happen to me.
Another reason why I have committed myself to helping my friends, committed myself to work as much overtime as I can, and committed myself maintaining my $25k of credit card debt, is that I see it as my way of doing Anarchist praxis. I cannot single-handedly end Capitalism, as much as I would want too. Ending Capitalism is not as easy as I would like it to be. For example, I still have too many friends and family members that are Liberals. And thus in favor of Capitalism in at least a little bit. "I am okay with a few billionaires to be around." "What is wrong with someone starting up a small business?" I personally find it hard for Capitalism to end if many people are in favor of it, at least in a small part.
And Liberals will ask, "Well, what is your plan to end Capitalism then?" The project of ending Capitalism is a lifetime project that has to take a lot of folks. And involves a lot of organizing and forming mutual aid projects and services. Something I haven't done a lot of. I have often viewed myself as a "bad anarchist" because I haven't done much community organizing. And I feel like that is an essential part of Ending Capitalism. As well as Ending The State and The Kyriarchy. So, since I am not doing much to end Capitalism, at least to the eyes of questioning Liberals, some of which find talking to me about politics to be exhausting, I have told myself, "At least you are giving money to your friends in need. Helping our disabled comrades survive under this Ablest system of Capitalism." Since I am not organizing to end Capitalism, I am at least doing something..... But now, it feels like that something I am doing I am not doing well. Or I am not doing as well as I would hope...... It feels like it is getting to the point of where I want to give up. But I hate thinking like that. I don't want to just survive under Capitalism. I just want to thrive and destroy Capitalism. I want all of my friends to thrive. But they can't because they are in poverty. And they are in poverty because of Capitalism. I just really really hope I get a big raise soon from my job. Or make a lot of money from Twitch and YouTube. But both seems unlikely.
And 2024 is very soon. And Liberals are going to be mainly focusing on making sure to beat folks into submission to vote for Joe Biden, the blue dog Regan Republican in the Democratic party, that is currently doing everything he can to continue a genocide in Gaza. URG. I hate life a lot from time to time.