Some gender thoughts again, but I felt like sharing this incase if others wanted to read as a lil journal of thoughts tonight. Just how I been feeling heavily
Was playing the usual Snowrunner to relax my mind and take a break tonight, but turned on some essays on YT because I just wanted a distraction. Came across one in particular that heavily resonated with me on a certain point after the person describes their entire journey in life with gender and dysphoria, the unrelatability of how it can feel alot of time with body focus but also more importantly the feeling of fitting in. A statement later on explains of disregarding labels and just, wanting to feel pretty and not behind any sort of expectations.
This, I feel this. So much. So much it hurts knowing what it is, but also at the feeling of finally being seen and heard from somewhere I didn't expect brings, peace.
I've always fit like I haven't fit into the trans spaces online or with many folks I see and have met, not that I think bad of them not at all. Bless them for helping me see different perspectives and letting me be myself, but more so in the sense of I just always feel so bad I feel like I don't belong. Like I constantly feel that im lieing to myself in wanting to be trans to just, have somewhere to feel safe and belonged and if I stop identifying as such I'm just going to be rejected and feel lonely even more than I already do. In my mind I just wish I wasn't someone that felt so, incomparable to so many others even on here who seem to have their shit more together than I am on that thought. Obviously I know that's not the case and we all hide alot of that to ourselves, but I hope someone else can feel that sense of relating to this as much as I can feel isolated sometimes from the cause of these thoughts.
I do know for a fact I do not feel like what I was born as, I don't feel like a guy. But I also don't fully want the things many other trans women I know want which is commonly HRT, boobs, super drastic changes. Maybe its my own fear of change, or maybe that will change in the future for me but for that I always felt was primarily why I didn't fit in.
I don't feel much connection with being NB at all either. It never felt like a label I could associate with myself. It just never fit me. Lately I have been feeling bigender more so because of my connection not only with wanting to feel girly but also girly-male leaning because it feels super comforting to me. I still attach the trans label as a result of feeling like even though I may feel more bigender lately, I still know I am definitely not the gender I feel like I was since I was born.
There are still a lot of complicated feelings for me. I wish I could see and hear more folks stories like the one I just viewed because it finally feels like what I have felt for about a decade now in life, not as someone who felt it since childhood or such. I want to belong out of fear of isolation and loneliness, but I also want to belong as someone who can finally be comfortable with themselves. I need to finally move out. I hope next year gives me more chances to experiment.
I just want to be, me.