One of the things more people on the spectrum to the same degree I am could and should talk about more, is the excruciating contrast between all the shit you manage to forget (important dates, deadlines, birthdays, names, faces, song titles, whatever) and all the things that upset you that you can never forget, that stick in your skin like burs. Even—especially—the violations against your personal sense of right and wrong.
I know other autistic people will get what I mean when I talk about the ways people go against your moral compass that just get lodged in your head with no way of removing them. Lots of neurotypicals would pass it off as holding unnecessary grudges, but for me, some of the things that people have done that piss me off the most might as well have just happened. Time ceases to pass for these memories. Any reminder of them makes them fresh and vivid, like trauma flashbacks. How i felt when it happened bubbles up so easily, and fucking NTs have the nerve to act like I'm the one being unreasonable when I refuse to accept a non-apology that asserts that they weren't in the wrong when they did something incredibly wrong that I am incapable of forgetting.
This is probably why I write the characters I write; it's near impossible to forgive things before i'm ready to, and the one thing I can't fucking stand is people who don't actually know how to apologize and change. They have to learn somehow—but I'm hardly up to the task of teaching them. Who is?
