😵‍💫 (Leslie//Lucas) 🚬

(this photo is a good optical illusion because it makes me look like im not just a shapeless blob of flesh)

i have to fight the urge to call the girl cocks adorable because i dont want the nice tgirls to know how big of a freak i am :ccc

I was talking to my friend about this and we agreed Gardevoir and Hattrene probably do bc they read emotions but I also figure that psychic Pokemon in general do even if it's a vibe thing and they don't really understand exactly what it is

Pokémon trainer: Gardevoir is so pretty, i wish I could be like her 😔

Gardevoir: oh?

The classic idea of being sad and longingly gazing into a mirror and being like, "I've known from birth that I was supposed to be a girl, even though I have a penis," these are narratives that were created by Hollywood, and created by men in Hollywood. And a lot of trans people adopt these narratives when they're trying to get their meds, but it's such an oversimplification for most of us. What transness and especially a pre-transition dysphoria actually feels like, to me at least, is much more internal and intangible. The language that I use to try to talk about it is language that I'm borrowing from the surrealism of David Lynch — the dreamlike nature of his films — or the body horror of David Cronenberg.

I felt a tug. A pull. The feeling of a door under the stairwell you walk past for years or decades but never open. A draw that can't actually affect you unless you stop and look and ask "what IS that?" A blurry, unreadable captcha whose solution is glaringly obvious only after you walk around and see it from the other side. I was captivated, obsessed with the allegory of the cave and I was in the cave the whole time.

That’s something about dysphoria doesn’t get talked about outside of trans circles is that’s it’s not just “being sad because you want to be a girl” it’s a deep, multifaceted emptiness in like everything you do or feel. I never knew what it was that made me feel so worthless and sad and empty, but I had thoughts of “oh I wish I was a woman” and always chalked it up to AGP type desires, because the emptiness was always there and the desire was only their sometimes.

It is surreal. It is kafkaesque, and although that word gets thrown around a lot without people really knowing what it means, it is: you don’t know why but your entire existence is flawed and you are constantly being punished for it, you are at the mercy of an uncaring system and strangers who must examine you to ensure you fit their criteria.

For me, realizing “oh you’re transgender” didn’t help.

It’s like being trapped in a pitch black room. Your so scared the you just sit in the center and go into denial. Eventually you build up the nerve to get out so you reach out and feel around in the dark and you finally realize just how small the cell your in is and that there isn’t a way out that you can find. By feeling out the edges you make the cell real. You can’t deny anymore, you are trapped.

Does that make sense? Idk maybe these feeling aren’t universal. Dysphoria bites. That’s all I know 🤷‍♀️